Daddy's Sanford and Son pick-up

(Jimmy sitting in daddy's blue pick-up truck, 1970's)

Daddy had a blue Sanford and Son pick-up. Years later he would have a black one with a camper on the back. But the Sanford and Son pick-up was the one I jumped in when he drove away. I didn't let him leave the drive way without me, I stowed away, momma screamed for me to get out, but daddy had already driven away. I had to know where daddy was going all of those hours. I had already invested too much in the marriage, all of the dishonesty and keeping secrets that couldn't contain themselves inside my heart anymore, everything was falling apart, years of lies were chewing me up inside.

Daddy knew I had jumped in the pick up, he ran out of gas a few miles out. He blamed me.

Look what you did?"

You knew you didn't have any gas when you left."

Daddy never had gas in the pick up or the car. He was always putting $2.00.

Daddy got out the gas can, and began to walk, I followed him. I was bare footed, the cement was warm. I was impulsive like that, but so was daddy, I guess we were alike in that way.

After that he wasn't at home very much. When I turned 15 he didn't go to my birthday party at Story land. I tried to remain a child for a long time, she was like a ghost inside my soul roaming.

Whenever daddy would get mad, he would drive faster like he was on the 99 freeway on Jensen Ave, coming back from his parent's house. The car was a weapon whenever daddy would put his foot deep on the gas pedal.

Anyway, we would go to Sanger less and less, momma stopped going altogether. We stopped seeing my grandparents and they stopped seeing us. I was never close to either one of them, but I always kissed them on the cheek.

I begin to notice pieces of the marriage every day shredded, the blood of that relationship draining.

Momma and daddy screamed more and more at us, they couldn't very well just scream at each other the hatred they felt for one another was spilling out of them, everywhere. I hated both of them for it.

Daddy driving away in his pick up was only part of it. I was the last to realize that all of this was leading to a divorce.

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Daddy put the car in reverse “For years, I chased after daddy, after a father’s love that was illusive to me.” Then daddy started to drift away, leaving for hours on the weekends. Daddy would get in the car with such urgency to go to God only knew where. I didn’t want him to leave our family. I didn’t want him to leave me. The last time daddy left, I jumped in front of the car to stop him, instead of stop, and wipe my tears daddy put the car in reverse and backed furiously away. I ran after the car praying he would stop the car, but of course, daddy didn’t. He had lied. Daddy promised he would stay with us. I didn’t know how to keep him here with us anymore. The realization that he didn’t want to stay with us, was the truth that tortured me. It wasn’t that he left me in the middle of the street, “I just never believed daddy would reject me.”________________________________________________________