Letters During my Pregnancy
March 29, 1993
Dear Gary:
How have you been? I pray you’ve been well, with everything in me, I want you to be truly happy. I would never want anything ill to befall you, although I am deeply hurt, I am comforted by the fact that I know you are alright. I just want the best bet possible life for you. Anyway, I never hated or disliked your personality the way you might have thought. I know about some of the other women you’ve been with, others in the congregation (who are not your roommates.) have divulged this information to me. (And they do not know about us). But, that still doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Although it probably should. At this time, I have been keeping up my friendship with James Brouwer. He has been comforting. He thinks I should stop chasing after you, I am inclined to think he is correct. It’s just that he doesn’t want me to hurt any more than I have been. Please, don’t think any less of me than you already do for confiding in James. I am really sad, I realize you are probably going to Visalia so I can separate my feelings from you. Even in distance, is distance really distance? It is a heavy cross, a heavy burden. My trial in the Church since I value love above everything else in the world. I suppose because I’ve never really been loved. It is living continually knowing, but much more feeling that you are lost. It is waking up lacking our senses, lacking your mental facilities, and struggling to forget, rather than remember yourself. Remember? Remember what that is like? It’s not something I would wish on anyone, it is a worm in the soul eating the heart fresh daily. Despite my feelings which make no sense I have been alright. Spiritually the demons have left me alone for the time being. At times, I feel closer to God than to anyone else. God assures me that I shall not hurt forever, that I shall come out of this more refined. Though I do not deserve His majestic kindness I am glad, I am grateful that He has been there for me, wiping all of my tears away. HE will not leave me alone. Gently and tenderly He caresses my emotions, and soothes my tempestuous heart. HE truly loves me, and I cannot understand why? But I suppose only God has the capacity to love me, and the patience to put up with me. Forgive me for this intrusion.
Yours,
Matty
P.S. (I wish I could have been the one to have washed your feet. (In reference to Passover.)
March 23, 1993
Dear God,
Through the blood of Jesus Christ, do I even have the courage, the audacity to write this letter. I have no right to be close to You. But more than anything let me be pasted to Your bosom, let me stick to Your spiritual, glorious Ribs. Hurtful, what a hurtful world, they leave me to bleed, my emotions they do not understand, who can know but You every tear I have ever shed. You counted them, and God only You know why they were shed in the first place. Oh, loving God, have mercy upon me, this wretch that I have become over the years for the sake of love. No one has ever loved me, they took my flesh as a meal, as a condition for even staying with me as long as they did. My flesh was a bribe, my intimacy they did not even care to know, they did not search.They only one who has taken the time to truly penetrate my being was You, only You, my intimacy You have comforted, have understood, and wept for, have loved, have memorized, have preserved. My wounds You have cleansed, my wounds Christ has born. The only ones who know me, and love me anyway. Have I been blond or too foolish not to see that all this time Your patience has put up with me? With my fornications, with my badness and my loneliness.
April 9, 1993
Dear James,
I missed your call. I had to take my young sister to the dentist at 10:15 a.m. I have missed you and I look forward to the sound of your beautiful voice. How have you been? With all of my heart, James, I wish you an abundance of joy, because I love you dearly. Though in my heart I know you will return to your wife. I do not regret loving you. Though it was a sin, I felt completion with you. You’ve always made me feel completely human. I’ve always loved you for that. Because of that, I shall always feel your friendship in my soul. You are my special friend. My dear, sweet wonderful James. Your friendship has been a tremendous thing, a tremendous feeling in my life. Full of tears, I write this, full of travail, yet, full of joy. And… I want you to know I would gladly give my life for you.
Your friend,
Matty
April 12, 1993
I have a will towards compassion. A feeling for tenderness, a heart for a proclivity for love. I guess, what I mean, I want to be human. Thus far what has that meant, but suffering? What is it is to be human but to be wounded in every possible way? I long for some kind of lasting joy, ultimately with God I shall find it, but I cannot reach for His strong hand, somehow I’ve slipped so far away from His sight. I remember the feeling of closeness we once shared the joy that went too quickly. My flesh, my aching for what it is to be human destroyed or has almost destroyed my bond with God. This alienation has left me to wonder whether I had ever truly repented and had ever received God’s grace, or, had it been my longing to be loved that made me believe that God had chosen me? Had he really chosen me to serve? I must analyze all of the transgressions of this year. My transgression for fleshly desires, for weakness and vulnerability, great chinks in the soul. Loneliness has sliced me to bits. All of my life it has been a wreckage in me. My greatest flaw has been my need for other people. I have sinned, and prostituted my soul for the glory and grandeur of love. I have risked much to find my soul mate, my ultimate. Am I living in a self-centered world? A vanity that has disfigured me? Have I been looking to close for the future? Have I searched too hard for its treasures? Have I not realized that my eyes are still in the present? My heart still in the past? Foolish creature that I am, I look for myself, my soul in other people. I even search for God’s soul in other people, for His grace and His mercy in the feeble hearts of others. NO one has been like God. They have been little grains of sand through my hands, little droplets of water. But never completely have they fulfilled my soul.
April 20, 1993
Dear Gary,
I am not writing this letter for myself, but for another. First of all, I’d like to apologize for not telling you myself about being pregnant. But by this time, I felt so shut out of your life, that I could not bring myself to tell you. I also want you to know that I don’t expect anything in the way of a relationship with you, other than this, that we, you and I are the parents of this baby. I hope that you would at least be willing to have a relationship with this baby, if it survives all these months. I also hope that you will come back to the Church. There’ s nothing more important than your salvation, Gary, nothing. I’ve worried about your attendance, that is why I thought you were going to services in Visalia. Please, don’t let what has happened drive you away from God. Believe me, God forgives you and loves you. He doesn’t want you to leave because of this. None of us do. I love you, and I just want you to be happy with whomever does that for you. But I would appreciate your friendship. Please come back to Church. I think we should at least talk about what has happened. I hope I see you there this Sabbath. I want, or rather I need to make my peace with you.
Yours
Matty
April 21, 1993
Gary is going back to Nebraska. HE wasn’t even going to tell me good-bye. He knows about the baby but he doesn’t care. More than anything I am numb. (Somehow Keith knows also.) He had no feeling or regard for me whatsoever. Once again, I was just something to use. But, its different this time. Now his genes are multiplying within me, his features and bones are inside of me. How can he just cruelly leave without even saying good-bye? I do not care for myself, well perhaps a little, but for the life forming inside of my womb. What about this life, that will one day know the full potential of his or her own humanity? It will one day be a man or a woman with many, many questions. And he can just leave without a word to me? Without a word to himself? This is perhaps the cruelest person I have encountered. His is hurting my flesh, my baby and that is an unspeakable evil. He is denying and negating his own humanity, his own flesh, that by far is the worth thing that has ever been done to me, everything else pales by comparison. For you see they were only rejecting me. Despite all of the atrocities within man, within the human race I have been bludgeoned my soul torn and scattered into the four winds, the fate of what remains of my baby, an innocent that has been unspeakable and cruelly robbed b all of this. My child will have no father. I have conspired to this robbery. Had I been more cautious, even cynical, I could have spared any child of mine a lifetime of silent grief. A wound that will always remain. A scar that no one really can take away. My one great hope is that this child will live and breathe the Church. Deprived of the past, how could I have allowed the past to be taken from what I will love most in this world. More than any other human I will love this one who is still forming and struggling. This is the worst I’ve been treated he has hurt e life of a child that could have been ours together
April 23, 1993
The truth of the matter is: I despise Gary. I love him, but that is beside the point. Rally that is the least consequence. The whole relationship as usual has been a harrowing, intense experience. I equate it (although I have never personally experienced one) with a high such as one gets from alcohol or drugs. Later after the buzzing one is extremely ill.
April 23, 1993
Gary wants and believes the baby is his. Problem is, he doesn’t want me. Oh sure, he wants, or so he says e will continue to see me, so he can continue to have sex with me. He has no real deep feelings for me, all are superficial at best. Despite his feelings for me, I am glad that he wants to support and see the baby in the future. I am glad that he wants to ba father to this baby. But he doesn’t like, actually he loathes the name Avery.
May 2, 1993
There is something beautiful growing inside of me. The doctors tell me it’s a baby, nut my stomach is completely flat. Besides I feel alone the father is so “aloof” from me. I am sitting, thinking, I am going to be a mother, I am going to be someone’s mother. What does it mean? Is that the meaning of my life?Many years ago, my own mother sat and contemplated the same thought, only I was her second child. But she also felt “aloof” from the father of the baby. Tears must have also filled her heart. Where there is no love, there is always pain. Was our grief the same, my mother’s and mine? Perhaps we were more “kindred spirits” than I was ever willing to admit. I always arrogantly believed that everyone she met immediately loved her and that she was never mistreated. Sure, I remember the way my father used to treat her, but falsely I believed that she had the “world.” But she too, had her pain, her torment, her own “private hell”. I always tried to deprive her of her humanity. Yes, I was part of her humanity, of her womanhood. The way my own child is now a part of mine. No matter how our fathers treated us, we are still mothers, and we still have maintained our dignity. I realize now ta a man doesn’t give a woman her worth, her children do. So here is to you momma, a mother 6x over, Happy Mother’s Day from your eldest daughter Matty. I love you!
May 13, 1993
Dear Gary I just wanted to drop you a note and say hello. You’ve been busy lately so I guess this note will have to do. First of all, I hope you are feeling better. I feel sad when you are not well. I also hope that you bear with me, I’ll bear with your long hours. Even though we seldom see one another, I’ll stand beside you unless you say otherwise. I realize everything had been fear on my part, I am afraid to let you really be close to me. I’m afraid of getting more hurt than I have already been. But the truth is, is I’m sadder without you than with you. Most assuredly I am. I hope we can see each other soon, I enjoy seeing you and being with you I more than like everything about you. Your hands, your clock-smile, your hair, your build, your eyes, your shyness, your laugh, your voice. Even when you are closed up, I even like that. When you get mad, when you get mad how you get made, your very special and every handsome I wish I could hug you but it seems unlikely. Believe me, the last thing I would want s for you to leave. I hope we can talk about 90210 some more, and Emma our baby, and everything else.
Yours,
Matty
P.S. I’d really love to see you.
May 19, 1993
I’m three months pregnant. Sometimes, I really want this baby, other times, I know it would be better off without a wretched mother like me whom no one can really love, nor gets along with. This baby has no father to raise it. I am unemployed, a pregnant pauper who must beg its government for assistance. Sometimes I sense the fact that momma merely tolerates me that the world merely tolerates me. In fact, I can scarcely tolerate myself. Misery has been my real name since birth. Tis true, there has not been a day that I have not wept. I have always wept and always quarreled and struggled. Every bit of happiness has been a desperate struggle. I cannot find a joy that I can hold onto for too long the evil within me will not let me find peace. IT causes me to destroy myself to mutilate the flesh that I have and alienate the few affections I have. I’m beginning to feel like I want to die again. That I need to die again, that that is where I will my ultimate peace. This world has hated me, loathed me and detested me, it has always desired and rooted for my demise, worse it has been sheer and utter indifference. But what of this baby? A life within a body that no longer wishes to live? What of this tiny creature forming itself? I’ve lost my will to live. Right now, I no longer want to go on breathing.
August 4, 1993
Gary is gone. It’s been weeks since he told me he’s had another woman and has been sleeping with her. I’ve always felt that I was a “body” to him. HE made me feel it so. My nothingness still continues without him. Although he told me it was all just a “physical” thing, part of me still believes he’ll return. IN agony do I ask God to return him to me, to return his feelings. Even though he had said his feelings have changed for me, and kissed me on the forehead like I was his little sister. It was more painful than all of the words, denying me his mouth, when I was carrying his child. Every day, every night I a tortured, I weep profoundly. Tears are my happiness once more, my companion and my only comfort it seems. There are times I wish I were dead only to end the misery once and for all.
August 4, 1993
If God weren’t with me, I would have died “emotionally” anyway. I’ve read the Scriptures a lot lately. Mainly to cope with Gary’s indifference and abrupt departure. He has singed my soul, my being. It’s a miracle how I carry this child with how I have felt. Gary has been “Satan” to me. His behavior, as subtle and cruel. But, despite my “torture” I have my child, a child I believe God has given to me. I will overcome this someday, the ruination and burning of myself. My heart will emerge victorious.
Dear Mo-Mo
I miss you a lot. I’m by myself right now, Mia is at school and momma is with Roger. Gary hasn’t talked to me since July 17, 1993. He told me he wanted someone else. I haven’t really spoken to Angie and Emma hasn’t kicked much. I look forward to your voice it makes my week. For now, it’ll have to be enough since I don’t know when we’ll see one another again. OF all the people in my life you were the only one that tried to make me happy. I have been studying the bible, but spiritually I’m afraid I still have a long way to go. I am understanding more about God’s character, and about intimacy with Him. But I have been faithless for so long, it’s going to take some time to develop real faith. I still pray that God sends Gary back, and as always, I pray for you. I don’t know what else to say. I feel so much for you, and I think about you all the time. I guess that’s all I’m able to say at this time. I love you so much. Moe. Yours,Matty
August 12, 1993
Dear Gary, (not sent) I hesitate writing to you because I know how you felt and have always felt about me. Despite that I still pray for you and I ask God for so much concerning you. I hope you are going to services in Visalia. I do hope you’ve gone back. As for myself I am suffering terribly for my sins. But it’s the only way I can change and grow spiritually. Perhaps, someday all of the bitterness and the pain of the past will leave me. Here are times I feel I can cope with everything that has happened. I mean, I feel strength, I feel my “Motherhood” is the most important thing in my life, next to my calling. Truly, God has kept me close to Him, He has gathered me back to His soul. HE has never and will never forsake me or Emma. I feel such joy when Emma kicks and moves inside of me; her movement gives me hope. Her life is now my life. Aside from my feelings for God and for the Lord Jesus Christ, Emma is the most important being in my life. I love her so much already and she is not yet born. I know I will never love anyone the way I love her. Even though I know you think you are happy you will never know the joy I feel for this child. You never gave yourself a chance to really be a part of her life. I am the lucky one, because I will be the one to raise and love my Emma. She will be the purest part of me, the best and most wonderful part of my being. The part of me I never realized. But, I am not passing judgment over you. As difficult as this year has been for me, I know it will help me to change and to grow closer to God. It has given me Emma, my firstborn, my daughter. I also got to know you a little bit, the part you were willing to share with me. I miss you and there isn’t a day that goes by in which I don’t think of you. I love you anyway, even though you left and found someone else.
Yours,
Matty
August 26, 1993
Dear Gary, (not sent)
)I don’t know if I have the courage to send this letter. The days are long and tedious at times. The reality of Emma so distant to me at times. Even though she kicks and moves every day now it all seems distant. I still have three months before I deliver. I’ve had a couple of complications though I don’t think serious. I pray that someone kind and loving comes into our lives, someone that will be completely wonderful to us. Someone I’ll love who will love me just as deeply. (I’ve not been successful this far.) But now, I realize I have to be more careful, since I’ll have a child t consider, and I have God to answer t. I now realize the enormous ramifications of transgressing the Law. Needless to say, I’ve not been as happy or as carefree as you. I have serious questions to answer in the future. As of now, I do not know how to answer them, perhaps I do not yet have the strength. The future is a mystery to me, a beguiling world. IT would be much less complicated if didn’t not have to consider you in my decision. But, I suppose I cannot avoid the inevitable. Though every day I remove myself further and further away from my past, from you. I know this is what you wanted, to removed me form your life. It is working, the tears and the pain are going away a little bit more every day.Anyway, I was a foolish girl for giving myself to you so quickly. I was a fool to have trusted you, though I tried to pretend as if I didn’t. It was basically my fault for not seeing, or not wanting to see the situation for what it really was. You said it best last month, “it was just physical.”O, I don’t know if you can or can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to carry your child. Knowing, but much more feeling this is how you perceived me. I would just like to get on with my life, and with my baby’s life. It would be much easier to do without you in the picture at all. I mean you should do what the Pastor suggest a while ago. Go back home to Nebraska and forget about us. OR, not leave Fresno, just forget about us. Though I know you’ve forgotten about me, but it is better if you start your life completely over, and have children with someone you love. Frankly, Emma deserves better than what you’ll probably give her in the future. In term of emotional commitment, a child needs a loft of love and care, love you probably will be unable to give her because of how she was conceived. NO child deserves a father who doesn’t really want to be, and who will always be too busy for her. I know, because my daddy did that to me, and I was already 17. Can you imagine how fragile a young child’s feelings are? You must be fair. You must consider her feelings and forget about mine or yours. I’m not trying to punish you if I felt you would be good for her I would want you to be a part of her life. But, I don’t feel you’ll be “good” for her. I believe you’ll do her more harm, Gary, than good. You won’t mean to, but it’s the way you are. I implore you to do the right thing.
Yours,
Matty
P.S.-Believe me if I were not completely broke, and if I did not need medical for my doctor and my child’s doctor, I would not even ask you for one cent concerning my child Emma. It’s just that I am caught at a disadvantage, don’t use the advantage you have over me to hurt this innocent baby. Please consider my words.
August 27, 1993
Who am I to decide that Gary is not “good” for Emma. He is her father, and God must have given her also to him. Perhaps, Gary is nor “good” or “right” (more appropriately termed) now. But that does not mean that he will always remain so. He has God’s Holy Spirit too, he can change because the Son is in him. God also called Gary to repentance, and baptism, he must have the potential to be a good father. If I don’t believe that he will change for Emma I am denying God’s power. I am believing that God cannot do all things. I am believing God has limits. HE is infinite and has no limits. I feel the Holy Spirit saying to me, “Gary will change for Emma.” “Emma is Gary’s child too.” He just needs prayer and patience. “Don’t shut him out of the baby’s life.” “What good will come out of sending him to Nebraska?” “That is not God’s will that is your will.” How will I grow if Gary goes away? The point of trial is to grow spiritually, to build character, to allow God to work in me and to bear and let God cultivate His fruit.
August 27, 1993
If only God would allow me to be take away from this place. What peace that would be. An enormous amount of security. OF serenity. But God will not allow me to rest from this, this is my hell, my torment. God knows this and will not allow me to leave.
September 8, 1993
I am listening to Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train.” Whenever I hear that I begin to miss you again. I never wanted your pity, pregnant or not, and I am glad you were honest with me about liking somebody else. Although I still feel in my heart that you used me, I am grateful that you have stopped using me.
September 18, 1993
I have so much to pray for and so much to be grateful for. Where to begin, either way it a long petition, faith, surely, love patience, kindness, meekness, are fruit I must pray for. This fruit with the exception of kindness, and a lesser extent love are most difficult for me.
October 3, 1993
Dear James :Not sent
Everything brings me back to you. I don’t remember if you had said you were going to be on Sabbatical this fall or not. Even if you are, it was good for me to write to you anyway. I don’t know if you can imagine how “upside down” and confusing my life has become. I am nearly 7 ½ months pregnant, it seems hopeful that I will carry this baby to full term. As for the baby’s father, Gary, he left me for somebody else nearly three months ago. I haven’t heard from him in that time, but I don’t find myself crying so much anymore. Like a bad dream, I hope he’ll completely disappear from our lives. If it were u to me, I wouldn’t even want him to pay child support. As far as I am concerned this is my child alone. She also belongs to God, and of course my family who loves her very much already. Nearly every day now she kicks hard, and moves around so much. It’s as if I can feel Emma growing and I can feel her soul completely within mine. Not like the men I have loved none of you were ever mine. All of you belonged to someone else, I was just a pleasant distraction. Despite my pregnancy, I still go to Church, and try to keep the Sabbath. I’ve also gone to some of the Holy Days, sometimes, it’s hard because I feel so ashamed and humiliated. But no one has made me feel really uncomfortable, for the most part, they all have been really supportive of my circumstance, and not judgmental. If anything, they blame Gary for just leaving. Now, I realize, “sides” aren’t the issue anymore, “sides” have never truly been the issue. Though for me ty had been. The issue is my child, and nothing more. “Sides” lead us to horrible warfare like in Bosnia. “Sides” are extremely dangerous. What truly matters is conciliation, and working out the “sides” into circles. Believe me, James, that’s always been my problem. Wanting, sometimes demanding equality and justice, when obviously there are certain situations that can never be that way. Sometimes, one has to give more concessions than someone else. Otherwise, there will be complete and utter chaos. The servant and the peacemaker have higher rewards than being “right”. I’ve never understand that before.For a long time now, I blamed and hated Gary for just leaving me and the baby. I hated him for not being sympathetic or caring. For not caring about his own child. But that is all meaningless now. If he can live with himself, who am I to judge him? And obviously he can live with God. It’s time for me to let go of my anger and frustration, of all of the hurt. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I hope I can write to yo from time to time. I don’t know your current situation. I hope things worked out for you.
Yours,Matty
P.S.- “It’s been “enough” for me that you have been my very dear friend.”
October 7, 1993
Momma and I had a fight yesterday. Moe is still in Lancaster. The baby kicks every day and her bruises are the greatest comfort. I am estranged from God, without wanting to feel hurt. IN my heart, though I fight it, I feel he’s allowed Gary to be happy and to go unpunished, while me and my fatherless child continue in poverty and continue without the emotional support of a man. That is why I am hurt. What can I pray to God without feeling like a hypocrite. I suppose I can pray not to feel this way. But don’t I have a right to my feelings of powerlessness?
October 13, 1993
Irene had a son and named him Joshua James Duran. They had him at 10:00 p.m. last night. We, as usual are the last to know. Irene phoned this morning to let us know at 7:00 a.m. Momma will be hurt as usual. As for myself, I amused to being last or to not being told at all. As for myself and God there is a great distance. God knows I cannot stand Gary, not even a little bit. This wedge is keeping me from communication with Him, my still apparent anger. I know it is not God’s fault, but maybe dep down inside, sub-consciously perhaps I do feel that God favors Gary and has blessed him with a new life. The baby is moving right now, since people are getting what they want. I also pray for a healthy little one, Emma or Scotty. But, I’d like a little girl.
October 13, 1993
God’s silence is a wound deep in my soul. If only His silence did not hurt so much, then, perhaps I could get over this mutilation.
October 13, 1993
Irene has her baby yesterday, a beautiful baby boy. I suppose sometimes, I wonder what my own child shall look like. Although I know I would like to have a little girl, even baby boys hurt me in some way. It is a disturbing feeling, when momma changed his diapers that’s how I felt. Molested and uncomfortable. After so long you should think that I should just “snap out” of this mood. But something keeps me hanging onto bitterness, it is a deep gorge between God and I, this bitter person is. Even my pain and suffering does not justify such feelings. Its been a few days since I’ve really prayed to God. I cannot pray when my heart is filled with dangerous and volatile feelings. And, God know this, I have never fooled God, myself, perhaps, even other, but God, never. I know these hard feelings have to do with Gar, still. I fell God has allowed Gary to escape from any torment or responsibility, whatsoever. I know it is not my place to make such judgments. But how can I tell my heart to stop feeling? I’ve asked God for comfort, but I cannot allow myself to feel His love. It’s at such times that I merely wish to be alone, alone with my grief and guilt. If only I could allow this child to help me, but, I Have not allowed this blessing to bind my wounds. I have resisted it all, and I know this is a horrible sin. I know I can be forgiven, but do I really want forgiveness or injury? Since my pregnancy, the demons bother me in a different way, in a much harder way. They now manifest themselves as every hard emotion that bleeds. I feel myself strangled by its intention. All I can do is pray and confess my illness. But I cannot confess my illness to God, until my heart and attitude towards Him has changed. But how can it change when these very feelings are obstructing the Holy Spirit. My only true access to God, Himself.
October 14,1993
I weigh 163 now. A far cry from the days I was 100 lbs. Before my pregnancy I weighed 115, and still have a month and a half to go. I don’t think about my appearance now, if I did I would never go out of the house.
October 14,1993
I just got out of the WIC (Woman, Infant and Children. My place is with the poor people, of which I am one of the “Chavistas”, one of the homeless, one of the unemployed, one of the many faceless masses. Now, more than ever I am firmly convinced that I shall live the rest of my life among them. Being one of the poor souls, one of God’s impoverished. Really, would I have it any other way?
October 15, 1993/Friday
I still love Gary, but at this point it is moot. I know he loves someone else already, I desperately with I could have been less bitter in the beginning, but trying to change one’s actions in the past is worse than “moot” it is debilitating, it cripples the spirit. Even after everything, secretly in my soul, “I would take him back.”
October 19, 1993
Em is 8 months. I feel here is more “ugliness” to get through. My life has to be a testament, a way to get through without suicide or homicide. A way without hating the entire world and myself. That is who God is, that way of not being afraid or bitter. IT is a way of being joyful. It is a way of coping with a million dead bodies around one, it is feeling the blood and the tears and still continuing anyway. That is who God is. October 20, 1993I haven’t heard from Gary in three months. Except the one call from his brother Andrew in August I have had no communication with him whatsoever. Sometimes, I actually miss him. HE has been so dispassionate.
October 24, 1993
Dear Gary,(not sent)
I am 8 months pregnant, now. For the past three months, I’ve thought and thought about what I should do. It’s been extremely difficult reasoning what I should do concerning my child and her father. It’s been especially difficult since you love and care for someone else already. For a long time, I didn’t know how I should feel or what I should do. I had felt that you’d been terribly unfair to me, just leaving me in the middle o my pregnancy. But I now realize that, perhaps, I have you no other choice. I know there were times I acted badly, but understand it was the only way I could react at the time. The biggest regret I have and still fell is wanting to deprive you of your son or daughter. Regardless of how “screwed up” things ended up between the two of us. I cannot see myself punishing Emma for it. I want you to know you can be apart of her life without anger or resentment on my part, if that is what you choose. At times, I experience real joy feeling her move and kick. She moves all of the time now and every time the baby moves I wish you could feel her as well, everybody has felt the baby move except for you. Please know that you are welcome to feel the baby move whenever you want. Ever since I found out about the baby, I’ve wanted you to be a part of her life. Maybe, I never said so, but its how I have always felt. Gary, just because we are not together anymore, do not feel, “alienated” from te baby. Please, don’t feel like a stranger. I have about six or so more weeks to carry the baby. The doctor said the baby should be born December 11, 1993. I will be sure to call you when he/he is finally born so that you can see and hold the baby. My real hope is that one day you will grow to love the baby as a real father would. Our baby deserves that regardless of anything else.
Yours,
Matty
October 26,1993
Mia just went into school this morning. Its at such times that I miss her profoundly. Its at such times that I feel the absence of people of all the people that I love. I go home with absence and loss. I speak to myself, lest I speak to God Himself. But my stomach is too big already to bow down to Him, prostrate on the ground. It is very heavy. This whole situation is. My eyes are cracked and peeling, perhaps it is the sun, which has been out more than usual for the Fall. Gary is still absent, I know or rather, I feel he will never return to me as a potential husband and father. The longer I cling to such fantasies the more it tears me up inside. I have to let go, but when my child moves within me, alive and at times it feels my infant is truly joyful. I have hope that he will return to us both.
October 28, 1993
Dear Gary, (not sent)
I don’t know if you ever saw the movie, “Mermaids”. It’s about a mother played by Cher and her two daughters played by Winona Ryder and the younger one played by Christina Ricci. (Wednesday of the Addams family.) My life feels like that family. Cher, although, free-spirited doesn’t really trust men. She is still bitter over a short marriage that lasted as long as she was in labor with Charlotte her older daughter. Every time she dumps someone or is dumped she moves the whole family. Winona, her daughter reminds me of myself. She falls in love with a 26 year- old caretaker named Joe Perretti. They make love and he leaves for California. She also continually waits for a father who left her at birth. He saw her once when she was 4. At the end of the movies she comes to the realization that her father is never coming back. She also reminds me my baby Emma. I guess I’m writing partly becase of “Mermaids” I saw it again today. My mother told me never to contact you again. I’ve written many letters to you that I have never sent but filed away as journal entries. I know you are serious about someone else, maybe, even married or engaged. I’ve waited for you to call me and ask about the baby but you never did. I don’t know why I used to believe that you cared about me. Even though I never said so, it was a shock when you left me pregnant with the baby. There is so much I want to tell you about the baby. I know you’ve had other children, but this is my first child and I wanted to share this pregnancy with you. Evn though you are not with me anymore. Ever since the baby started to move I’ve wanted you to feel her. She moves so much now and her movements penetrate my skin. Occasionally she jumps inside me. I’ve gained 50 lbs.e already. I weigh 165 lbs. I look nothing like th girl you met last December 26. I weighted 110 then. I know wear red glasses for astigmatism and nearsighted condition, which I got at the end of August. I haven’t worn them, except recently. My eyes are covered with rash, I resemble a raccoon. I haven’t been able to wear any make up.Aside from my appearance I’ve been coping. Ive thought about you every day, especially when the baby moves which is often. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, between you and the baby. As of now I don’t know if the baby is a boy or a girl. I guess it’s going to be very awkward, or I guess your’re probably not going to see the baby at all. Either way it is distressing for both of us. I never imagined myself as a single parent. I guess, no one does. But this is a trial I suppose. I haven’t been going to Church much. For two reasons: at time, I feel humiliated and ashamed. I’ve allowed myself to drift away from His glory. I guess, I can better understand why you left in the first place. Mainly this letter is about the baby. Wondering if he/she will be a part of your life or not. Perhaps it is better if you don’t see her at all. I don’t know. Maybe its my own injury that hopes that you will move on with your life, and never see her. Or maybe I just want to see you which is quite possible. Now that I know for sure things are over between us. It’s been hard for me to carry our baby. But even if I had to do it all over again I would still have the baby even knowing that you would leave. And I would still have gone to you that night in March even knowing that you would leave. I love my little baby a lot, and I don’t regret my decision to have her. Actually abortion never entered my mind. Not just because of God but because of myself. I wouldn’t hurt my baby and I’m having my baby from someone I really cared about. Sometime things don’t require a choice it’s already decided beforehand. As I feel Emma was. Finally, the day is almost arriving when I will go into labor. The doctor says December 11, 1993. It could be two weeks before or two weeks after, I am not sure when. But soon I will see my little baby. Soon I will know if my baby is a boy or a girl. I’ll let you know after I have the baby, actually it is best if you do not go to the hospital, my whole family will be there with me. Oh, by the way Em is almost 8 ½ month. I’ve made the decision not to breastfeed my baby. One day I’d like to move to Lancaster for the real with my sister. I just can’t stay here anymore. Fresno holds too many sour romances for me, you know how it goes when someone leaves you, you go, or you try to go back to a previous boyfriend, at least, as a friend. I’ve wanted to contact James, but her’ on Sabbatical in England or you want someone new to help you get over the old lover. It’s hard to do it alone. I’ve so wanted to meet someone new. Someone who’ll love both me and Em. Someone who will adopt her as his own child. I so need a family for myself and Em. Yours,Matty
October 28,1993
There was a thinner line between life and death than most people imagined. An imaginary line cut across each human heart. I continually walked a tight-rope everything, (especially breath), everything, was a struggle, everything I encountered had two daggers in its soul, sacrifice and joy were synonymous, each held the others hand and each loved and strangled the other. The mirror of fatality was the whole struggle between searching for love in my life time and actually realizing it. I found this to be true as I carried for the eighth month the unborn child of a man that was now inside of another woman.
October 29, 1993
Emma, my daughter is almost here. I’m going to let myself be happy for the very first time in my life. I’ve been in-love 5x, ages 17, then 23 to the present. I’m going to be in love with my child, and stop this foolish and sick infatuation with her father Gary King. I’m not going to worry about he future, the visitation rights, Gary’s love life, my poverty, my failure with men, I’m not going to worry about any of it. I’m going to really and truly be that young woman of last September-December in Church. Not to attract men, men are the last people I need in my life, no, rather to make myself, Emma, momma, and Mia happy. To make Moe happy, to let God see my joy, I have inside of me. If God can forgive me, really if I let myself be forgiven. I’m going to let my 30’s be a happier time, as I approach the threshold of my 29th birthday. Not a wife, but hopefully a mother.
November 24, 1993
The baby hasn’t “engaged” yet. It seems like I might have to have a cesarean section. I don’t mind thought that isn’t he worst. The worst has passed. Gary leaving and avoiding me and the baby As long as the baby is alright, what more do I ask for?
November 26, 1993
It is the day after Thanksgiving. My delivery date s in 15 days, about 2 weeks away. Moe is in Simi Valley with a guy she met last month. She left Wednesday afternoon and will be with him all weekend long. Boi is still with Nancy they will have about eleven months of dating. Misi is in Panama, she’s been there a couple of weeks already. Jim and Irene came yesterday with the two babies, Vanessa who was born last year, and Joshua. Boi is also here he came Wednesday night. All in all, it was a pretty peaceful Thanksgiving.
November 27, 1993
As it nears the end of my first pregnancy I feel more at peace. I’m getting over Gary King. It’s been nearly 4 ½ months since he has called. I find myself being able t go on without feeling so hurt over what has happened. I can go on through December without hearing his voice. As a matter of fact, I hope he doesn’t call me ever again. Wanting him was more painful that it was worth. HE did everything to discourage me and drive me way, you know all the things a man does to tell a woman, “Cool it, just cool it!” HE never called and wouldn’t see me often. He’d stand me up and show up nearly late for all of our dates. He never even bought he baby a stuffed teddy bear or a booty.Instead he started seeing someone else behind my back. Instead he hasn’t called even to inquire about the baby. I am just starting to see the dawn in my life. I know I deserve better, my soul just knows that I should have much better.
November 29, 1993
In less than two weeks I shall be a mother. I never fathomed that anything as sacred as motherhood could ever be bestowed on a person like me. Despite my arrogance at times, sub-consciously I never believed I would make it this far. I believe I am unequal to the task. After feeling so horribly about myself for so many years I do not know, I am afraid I will not love this child normally. I will probably feel as though this child is everything and perhaps nothing. I shall believe this baby will be my exact dichotomy, my transcended self, my innocence resurrected. I will feel as though this is the “real poet”. Unlike myself I was an imposter attempting to write down lines that resulted more from madness than anything. This time I am the mentor and not the student. I will the be the one this little one looks up to and admires, and not the other way around. This is the biggest shot of morphine the ego can ever receive. Your child in your arms yourself attempting t start all over again. But I am only the mother and not the child’s ‘god”, as so many parents have falsely led us to believe. I am only a shepherd, a guardian and not the sun and the moon. I cannot be irresponsible, and careless and self- afflicted and self- absorbed. There is no room for “selfishness or “pettiness.” The small dwarf in me must leave, and not corrupt someone so pure. Have I already in the process corrupted this baby with all of the bitterness and heartache I carry, and have carried? Have my scabbing wounds already affect this child? Has my hatred for the baby’s father been too obvious? Has my difficult and struggling feeling for others malaise this fetus? True, at times I hate mankind” and curse all of its progeny. And I know that is to curse God. The relationship between God and myself is strained. It is starving because of my attitude towards the others in my life. Like my mother, who I envy probably above all others. Men seems to love her so. Men have never loved me the way they have loved her. I am only an object, whereas she is the object of respect and adoration, she is put on the pedestal and is the pedestal. I am merely the one who has looked while men have put others on the pedestal. Needless to say, all of these hard and unresolved feelings have led to yet more difficult struggles between mother and daughter. She is nearly 50, and is the beauty, I am nearly 30 and the young whore. Will Emma resent me so, or rather will I grow to resent her? History tends to repeat itself. At this time, momma is angry with me. Probably for good reason, I am unpleasant when Roger her boyfriend of nearly 8 years is around. Yet, I feel justified in doing so. He is married and treats his own wife like a dog. Momma always says she doesn’t love him. Why doesn’t she just admit that she is in love with him?Besides my love/hate relationship that has always existed between my mother and I, there is my younger sister Moe. A relationship that has been equally as strained. She is in Simi Valley right now with her boyfriend Michael. She has called once or twice over the Thanksgiving holidays. But she also sounds unresolved and trouble. I worry so about her. She’s been over there since Wednesday. As of today, it has been nearly 6 days. I do not know where her life lies. Does she herself now? She wants so deeply to be loved. It is like a self-destructive seed. One shouldn’t want the near impossible so much, love how often does “real love” come along? I mean, one where two people run off and get married? It’s always about infatuation at best, it’s always lust on the man’s part. Somehow, it’s always been that way, unrequited. Love and life. “Motherhood” is only part of this mysterious tapestry God has yet to weave. And I ask myself for the next 12 days am I ready for this enormous commitment? It is an obligation that I must fulfill without her father, which makes it much more demanding. And yet, I’ve known all along that this child would always be mine alone.
November 30, 1993/5:15 a.m.
As I reach he very last days of pregnancy I realize what all this has meant. What I give forth form my own body is the purest love I will ever know, physically we’ve been together for nine months, every second of the day, all of her movement is our movement, coming forth through my flesh. My stomach so hard at time with the form of my child’s body, with the shadow of her spirit, leaping and dancing wildly at times, my limbs so numb at times from her presence. This child is the closest I’ve been to anyone. Consciousness is knowing but much more feeling that I will be her mother and her first and greatest love, something I’ve never been before. Right now, I’d expire my life for hers. Although, I’d expire my life for others like my mother, and younger sister, Moe, Misi and Mia. I’d do so for Emma without having seen her, but just having felt her. I guess the way I would for God. Although God and I are “estranged” or rather, I am “estranged” from Him. IT is pure faith, believing someone can love you so much without sacrificing or changing the essence of your heart. It is “unconditional” without cynicism or fear. I can boldly walk forward and take the pangs of “Motherhood”. Finally love will not be tainted or misshapen by doubts or mistrust. My child will be the love of my life.
______________________________
I gave birth to my daughter Emma Berta Duran born December 7, 1993 at 3:10 a.m. I had a girl after all.