The Pride of Youth

Me at age 25.

by Matty B. Duran

(I will be 60 next month.)

There is vanity in youth, even if one lacks confidence; there is a bravado and passion that belongs solely to the young. I didn't feel well when I was young, I was cutting an awful lot, I didn't have the best clothes, but a young person can make anything look good, tears strewn on a young face look like diamonds.

There is pride in youth. There was pride in me, even though I didn't think that there was. The face of a young person is so much different from an old person, even if an older person can stretch their skin back, it isn't the same. It is only old flesh stretched back. Something that is new is mesmerizing, and the faces of youth shine in a similar way. Their eyes reveal a world of wonder. There is a natural attraction to what is young. The young are beautiful, even those that are not naturally beautiful.

When I was a young woman the arrogance of my thinking had me believing I could take a married man away from his wife. After all I looked prettier, that's what my heart told me. "You look better." In my sinful way of thinking I agreed. I have to admit I was not as innocent as I claimed, a woman in her twenties with ripped jeans is an aphrodisiac to an older man. These men I knew could not get a better looking woman in their youth, but I sat in their office, with doe like eyes, and I could tell they wanted me. This was pride, flattering my deflated self-esteem.

"You deserve this."

I sat in these offices, like a Bohemian poet, with my poetry and my novels in a notebook. There was something inside of me that wanted prestige. Yes, I was pretentious in those days, I knew the classics, I hadn't read most of them, but I could always drop a novel out of the blue.

I don't deny that I was hurting, that I was a punctured soul but there was a bit of pride that kept taking me back. There is something seductive about a lonely young woman, there must have been. There is nothing more desirable to a middle-aged or old man than this.

The fact that I was lonely, that I was prideful, that I was hurting, that I knew I was pretty were all ingredients for a disaster. These men were prideful too. They were very well-educated men, with P.H.D's in some cases. These men could not have gotten a pretty woman when they were in school, but now that didn't matter, they were professors, and professors are filled with pride. They mentor students, they are around young people there was passion and hormones in the very air they breathed.

The reason professors went with young women was just this; they naturally collided into each other. They could pretend to be father figures for these girls, but in the end, it was pride and arrogance that made them keep women longer in their offices than they should have.

A male student once remarked to me, a woman can use her feminine wiles to get an extension on their work. One of my professors gave me more time to work on my essay merely because I told him I wasn't going to turn it in, just to give me an "F." The male student said, "I couldn't have said that to him, he would have me given me that "F" which was probably true.

This same professor put his hand on my thigh and asked me out when I was in his office, the first one to come right out and ask me for a date. I told him that he was married. But he said,

"I date my students."

But I had a sense of pride, or I wouldn't have sat in his office, if I didn't think they wanted me there. Yes I was mentally ill, but borderline women were notorious for crossing boundaries and winking at it, as if drinking a diet soda.

God knew that I wanted to go on those trips to Europe with these men, the fact that I never did, did not stop me from trying to go see some of these places with men that I absolutely became deeply attracted to.

I was slim in those days, and resembled my mom, not as pretty, but I did look like her a bit. This was pride. Satan had pride, he believed himself to be the most beautiful angel God had. While it was true God created Lucifer to be the most beautiful, his beauty was to be given in worship back to the Lord. Whatever beauty and talents God gives us is for His glory, not for ours and certainly not to create mischief. I created mischief with what the Lord gave me, with the measure He gave me I used to try to steal what belonged to someone else. It was arrogance and pride that I could possibly succeed.

When I wasn't involved with a professor, I was writing notes to others to get my hook into one. I was fishing, my youth, pride and arrogance wanted me to marry a college professor. I wrote to several professors. I left Dr. Mardon a note on the spoke of his 10 speed bicycle. We had coffee and he told me he was married.

Then why did you invite me to coffee?" I asked surprised. "It's just coffee." He remarked.

I didn't have a relationship with him, but I did have the arrogance to kiss him on the mouth after he drove me home. I was 25 and he was 40. This was when Brouwer was in Europe with his wife. While I spent a lot of time crying, I also tried to cut my losses as well.

All of this was pride, instead of allow God to heal me, I went on the prowl to find another man to replace the one I had who was mistreating me.

This is the pattern of being young and prideful. The heart laughs and believes it will be eternally young, as if it is already drunk with the fountain of youth. When you are young and wear make-up there are no trenches where the make-up can collect. The make-up doesn't get stuck in the crow's feet. Young women don't even have to wear make-up. If an older woman doesn't, she looks haggard and worn out.

When I was young, I compared myself to some of their wives. I had seen one in the newspaper with her husband once. I looked better than her. I saw another wife near her husband's car. My pride was like a peacock, just as puffed up. I didn't want to waste my youth. When you sin, pride just naturally comes along for the ride.

Fornication and adultery are pride believing you can get away with your sin. It is pride, to sin against God, the bible addresses this. When David sinned with Bathsheba that was prideful believing he could have any woman he wanted. When Nathan the prophet told him he couldn't, David wept. It is pride to believe we can get away with our sin. God even told the King of Israel that he couldn't and that there would be dire consequences. But you see it all the time, prideful people doing just that.

King Saul was prideful when God told him he was sinning by not listening to Him. When you don't listen to God that is pride too, believing that you know better than the Almighty.

Samson was filled with pride fornicating believing he would always have the strength of the Lord as a mantle. The story of Samson was tragic as he lost his strength, and had his eyes gouged out by the Philistines. There is nothing godly about pride. Pride is the illusion that your way is best, that you will grab the prize, and there will be no consequences. There were even consequences for Lucifer, he was kicked out of heaven. When we are prideful we walk out of the presence of God.

The reason pride comes before a fall, like gravity there is no other recourse for pride. God said in His Word.

"He is close to the humble but the proud He knows from afar."

(Psalm 138:6)

There is something very ugly about pride, it reasons with sin, commits sin, and defends sin. God is humble. He interacts with the humble.

Humility is not having a low self-esteem, it isn't poverty, it is allowing whatever God brings into your life and still trusting Him. It is a poverty of spirit, knowing there is nothing inside of you to remedy the

situation. It is like Job saying,

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

(Job 13:15)