The Ecstatic Air

I think about God and I see Him in my

situation

this situation entangled in thorns and

priceless misery,

whenever I move forward I am behind

myself

living my life trying to catch up,

but I stumble and I fall in slow motion

into that quagmire of grief

I am lost without you, and am lost with

you,

If only I could learn how to breathe other

people’s stale air,

if only I could live on the stale emotions of others,

and on their salty breaths and recycled kisses

my lovers and your lovers exhausted and

torn up in the blender

of divorce and no reconciliation,

please don’t come back to me

God doesn’t murder, He gives us numbers

in the womb

we are living, and we breathe, the ecstatic

air,

I don’t think about yesterday, and the

sand that stuck

to my toes on the beach, and the weapons

you left upon my heart, 

I can’t think about what broke us apart,

the waves that crash,

and the impossible task of holding onto

them,

Time slipped through the cracks of my

dreams,

my daughter has grown and is the

teenager I once was

but I was silly then, full of naivete dressed

badly, 

and hid behind a shy smile then

the illness in our souls became the

signatures we signed

in our sleep and we still dream to escape

to

we forge similarities to make

the differences bearable,

we’ve attempted to love each other, but

only end up

loving ourselves,

pretending we haven’t lived through this

nauseous nightmare before

Pretending we just met, when we’ve

known each other for centuries,

we married ourselves to the lies we

believe, and we can’t commit to

the memories that we lived,

 I’ll write until I can find the words to

paste the years we ripped to shreds

and wasted back together

I’ll dance until I spin myself useless and

faint dead away,

until I can get back to the precise moment

you walked away,

to the second you knew you didn’t love me

to the moments my voice sickened you,

to the time you became my jailor,

and I lived the sentence

of missing you, and spent years trying to

get back there to that

space I offended you, when we offended

each other, and spit each 

other out like chewed tobacco,

when our uses outlived us,

when God seemed to forget us,

when the angels stopped singing, and the

demons descended

and the howling of our anger became the

reasons we stayed

pasted to the wounds of our past, and to

the expressions of our emptiness

when loneliness became the beating heart

of our existences

and we wandered through hundreds of

miles of wilderness

the disheveled forest of our lust, a lost

cause of animal instinct

the grave of the intimacy we lost, the

priest that read us our last rites

when God couldn’t keep us alive anymore,

when dying seemed better

I bit the ecstatic air like bits of glass to my

tongue, like chunks of diamond 

to my teeth,

breaking and chipping teeth until my

gums bled the life of me away,

sometimes there isn’t a happy ending and

lovers are really strangers

 who got confused in the rain.

(Taken from the Book of poetry, "The Girl and Other Poems" by Matty B. Duran on sale on Amazon.com)