Broken Together

By Matty B. Duran

God, I wonder why things happen the way they do? Even when it seems like people do things the way they are supposed to. This is what I struggle with, not being able to make sense of things in my life. Two people I deeply love, are getting divorced, the broken pieces of their lives are swirling inside of me like a blender. There is no peace, I cannot sleep. I can't fix it Jesus, I can't fix it, and I am left shattered in pieces on the floor, waiting to be swept up into a dust pan, and thrown away in the trash.

My baby sister Mia and her husband Brandon broke up a year ago after 10 years of marriage. When the marriage was over Brandon was 30 and Mia was still 29. She's more than my kid sister, she's like my daughter. I was 20 when she was born to our mother. Mia was my responsibility, since my mother worked, and I went to college. I am the one who took care of her, as a mother. I stayed up nights with her watching "Tales of the Dark Side" on the couch, holding her against my chest as she slept.

Today, this same child told me she is pregnant with another man's baby. As excited as I am for her, it is bittersweet for me. She was supposed to have Brandon's baby. I don't understand why the Lord never blessed Mia and Brandon with a child of their own. They didn't have sex before they were married. Brandon respected my sister. I know Mia and Brandon believe in Jesus Christ. Then she began to read very dark novels, her heart got all bitter about not having a baby. She just gave up.

I remember when he proposed to her in my apartment after only 6 months of dating. He got on one knee and took out the engagement ring he bought her, and asked my baby sister to marry him. I was so excited I remember saying,

"Say it louder, I can't hear."

Maybe they married too young. They were both 20 years of age, they weren't working. The plan was Brandon was going to work as a chef when he graduated from culinary school. He and Mia were inseparable up until their wedding day. He lived in Hanford and would drive to the chef school every day 40 miles, after school they would spend the whole afternoon together, until it would get too late for him to drive back in the fog. I would let him stay in my apartment, Mia would sleep on the futon in the living room and he would sleep on the floor holding her hand until morning.

When Brandon finished his culinary training there was no job at the end, just a lot of debt. He got computer training in two different schools. He was trained as an emergency medical technician. He met with many obstacles in attempting to find steady work. Their car broke down a couple of times, and they were on the bus. Still he never gave up in trying to provide for my sister. So much of the time I could see the frustration in his young eyes.

There were times Mia would become frustrated with him or the situation, sometimes she would assault him with her voice. Mia had mood swings, she was never diagnosed with anything, but there were times she would scream at him for something as trivial as turning on the wrong street in the car. My sister, I felt, didn't appreciate the wonderful husband she had in Brandon.

They were inseparable after they got married. They did everything together. God, I always thought she loved him. Why did this happen? Why did they break up? Banging my head against a weak faith, not understanding the pain literally split my soul. The anguish of ripping up the past looking for clues, could I have seen that their marriage was in trouble, what could I have done to help? Momma and I helped out financially whenever they were in trouble and couldn't pay the rent.

Brandon was always extremely kind to Emma as a big brother. He was gentle with her, when Emma bit Mia in the face years ago, I apologized with tears, he said, "I know Emma is sick." He was patient with Emma's many outbursts, he never criticized me or her for her behavior. There were so many tumultuous years, Brandon was a knight in shining armor, I thought Mia's, but in reality, he was really ours.

Momma loved Brandon like her very own son, she was so close to him. I know he loved my mom like his own mother.

When two people get married the bond is a consanguinity within the entire family. Brandon became part of us too. There is a reason the word, son, daughter, brother, and sister-in-law are used. Brandon became my little brother. Brandon was stolen from us. She expects us to stop loving him just because she did. We have 10 years with him as well. Ten years of memories, of living our lives as siblings, believing he would always be there. He was an essential part of our family, he calmed Mia down, he was Emma's big brother, and swam with her in mom's pool. Each of us had our own relationship with Brandon, to suddenly be told one day, "It is over." How cruel, when it was over for her, it was pretty much over for us too.

It is never the same after a divorce, nothing is the same. Everything is awkward, broken, and messy, you want it to be the way it was, but Mia has moved on, and I understand why Brandon doesn't want to be around.

Even though I have written to him and told him nothing has changed. But everything has changed. I think he knows that.

My sister is now pregnant with another man's baby, her boyfriend Eric's. I am happy for my sister, but this blessing is bittersweet. In 10 years of marriage to Brandon she had never conceived. I know he would have been the best father, and I know he would have done everything for my sister, carrying the diaper bag around his shoulder, changing the baby's diapers without complaining.

I don't understand why things turn out the way they do. I feel in my heart no one was more deserving of a baby than Brandon. He put up with so much, he tried so hard to make their marriage work. My sister Mia was even verbally abusive, Brandon endured it all. They had very little money, he looked everywhere for work but nothing ever panned out. He had jobs where employers took advantage of him, and didn't pay him. He volunteered at the zoo with her, until the two of them were hired. The job at the zoo lasted barely two years.

Finally, they lost their apartment after a year of not being able to pay for it. Mia moved out, and was hired in Yosemite. After months of separation she became homesick, and asked me to send Brandon up there. She called me in tears one day saying, "I need my husband." At the time, I had no money and borrowed money from our brother Jimmy.

This didn't last long, she moved out of their housing. Every night I prayed in tears, with a ragged heart, I prayed that God would restore their marriage. But in the 10 years they were married they never conceived a baby. Mom and I prayed every night for years. This unanswered prayer smashed our heart to bits, as it probably smashed Brandon's.

Brandon has to trust Jesus with his heart now, there is no answer, but Jesus that will ever quiet his broken spirit. The soul passes through many things in this life, fire and floods, desert, loneliness, there is heartache in living. The existence of sin has caused humanity to fall. Everyone is susceptible. Walking in the Holy Spirit is the only way husbands and wives will cleave to one another in love, faithfulness and holiness.

They will be getting a divorce, I don't know when, I don't believe spouses ever truly get over a divorce. My momma and daddy never got over their divorce they always belonged to each other even if they didn't know it. They had children together; we are the evidence of what they were. Even though Mia and Brandon don't have a piece of themselves together, I cannot imagine it being any less painful.

I was Mia's maid of honor. I was on the altar, when they exchanged their wedding vows, I heard Brandon whisper that he loved her. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse. How then can a marriage be terminated? How can a marriage be torn up like a piece of paper or discarded like an object? God created marriage, the covenant of a man and a woman forsaking everything for their love, to cling to only one another. Adam said to Eve,

"You are flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone."

They were created to journey through life together. You can quit school, or quit a job, these are commitments but not covenants. You can decide where you want to live, you can end relationships, but not a marriage. Adam said, "flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone." How can you quit loving your child, "flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone?" How can you end that most sacred bond? Mia just said, she didn't love Brandon anymore, even though they were still living under the same roof. I understood why mom and dad couldn't live under the same roof anymore, one was going to kill the other. But Mia and Brandon's marriage wasn't volatile like my parents had been.

Still it crushed my soul, when my parents divorced. I thought I was going to die, and I did die, a little bit every day, that's what the cutting was all about.

We are flawed, sinful, people. There is no getting around the truth, it is the truth about all of us. But we have to work on our covenant relationships, it is not negotiable. It is not an obligation., it is God ordained, God said, "Til death do us part."

He said it for a reason. God knew there would be deep scars otherwise. He knew Adam and Eve belonged together, when two people get married they are Adam and Eve. A husband and a wife are Adam and Eve in God's eyes. They messed up paradise together, and became broken together.

Mia stopped loving Brandon. I don't know for what reason, she never told me what happened. I know Brandon still loved Mia. Neither one ever divulged what went wrong in their marriage. There was never a reason, it is like a vase that fell off a shelf, and broke. It didn't happen on purpose, somewhere they shattered. There are pieces that need to be healed, without healing a marriage will die. Like Mia and Brandon's marriage and millions of other marriages in this world. The reason for many divorces is obvious, then there are some marriages, that are not as obvious to the people looking in. Without knowing, the marriage lost its unity. Even though I saw them together, they were not really together. The last few years of my parent's marriage, my dad wasn't really there at all. There was a dad in the house, but there wasn't love between my parents, and that changed the dynamic of the house. It weakened all of us. It damaged all of us in ways that were irreparable.

The Lord has healed a lot of places inside of me, but I know I will not be whole until I am resurrected. Sometimes, I wonder if being broken together isn't better than being broken apart. I know Brandon wanted to remain broken together.

(written in 2015)