The machinations of the “wicked one”/2006-2007

The demons are liars. The bible teaches us that the devil is the father of lies. I can attest to that.

When I began writing “The Russian General’s Son” the novel I threw away I started to believe things about my childhood that were not true. The story was about an SS officer whose father was a Russian general, his uncle adopted him, and that is how he was able to become an SS officer. The main character Vladimir Milosovich whose adopted name was Helmut Mueller was molested and raped by his father the Russian general in the story when he was a child. This is why he grew up to be so violent in the first place.

This seed was planted in my heart.

In 2006, I began taking an art history class in college, and Professor Wosika had us draw an abstract that reflected a sub-conscious feeling. I began to draw a little girl with black hair with a Dutch boy haircut. She was naked, and I began to draw her with horrified looks on her face, in pieces in a jar, with scratches all over her body, with snakes on her, with black eyes, without any arms, with her legs open and her private part torn and blood around it. I began to draw very disturbing and traumatic photos.

There is such a thing in psychology as “false memories”. You remember things that didn’t happen because someone convinces you that they did.

The story about Vladimir was a very dark story. I began writing it in 1998. It started as a dream, and I finished it in 2001. For years I was focused on the torment of this character, and the torment he caused others.

The bible teaches us to focus on the good things. Paul writes,

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.

(Philippians 4:8)

God tells us this to protect us from the devil’s machinations. They are deep ravines. I was being convinced through this very dark novel that I was the one who was molested as a child, that it wasn’t just the character, that the character was really me.

In later chapters, Vladimir befriends a young French girl named Lily. It starts off innocently enough then he has an inappropriate relationship with her. This was more proof that this really happened to me. My mind was convincing me that I was supposed to be Lily. I convinced myself that I had “blocked it out,” a common term in psychology to mean that one doesn’t remember because of trauma. Psychologists contend that memories can be “repressed,” but this can also result in “false memories.” The demons convinced me that I had repressed these memories. The wiles of the devil are more deceptive than we know or can even conceive. I was on a very slippery slope. I didn’t want to accuse my daddy of something he didn’t do. But why was my story so dark, and so disturbing. Who were these characters any way? Was I trying to remember something?

The more I wrote, the more disturbing the plot became. Vladimir had memories of the Black Forest. As a child, I used to dream of the forest near the pond that was my safe place. But if Vladimir’s place of assault took place in the forest, why was my safe place in the forest?

It wasn’t until I threw this novel away at the behest of the Holy Spirit. It was only when I threw this novel out that I was able to recover from the thoughts of the enemy, it was only then that I began to close the doors to the enemy’s lies and assaults.

This wasn’t the first time they tried to deceive me. When I was 25, they wanted me to write for them. The demons wanted me to tell their story, why they fell, and how unfair God was. It was to be the story of the fall of the Angels. They wanted me to tell their side. I began to write a story about a character that would grow angel’s wings in his sleep, and would roam the universe. This character was trapped in a sort of purgatory. Because he didn’t take a side during the “rebellion” he was doomed to human flesh, and would only return to his natural state in his sleep. Before he would doze off, he would look at his pictures on the wall. At the time, I had pictures of Albert Camus on the wall, and Emiliano Zapata. Albert Camus would speak to him before he would transform back into an angel.

This was during the time my writing had become dark and disturbing. I was reading a lot of existentialism at the time, another door demons entered. There are myriads of doors demons enter through. The rejection of God by existentialist philosophers was a demonic vehicle. I was extremely bitter at the time, angry at the whole world I used to refer to people as “insects”. Who would refer to people as “insects” but demons? I also used to write that people had the basest of functions as if I detested people.

This was the time when demons began to assault me in my sleep.

“Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.”

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

(Ephesians 6:11-12)

I also threw away these dark writings years ago.