The Journey back from hell

After Scott kicked me out of therapy the final time, I had a long arduous road back to the land of the living. For two years I thought I was going to get married. When it didn’t happen, my whole world turned black. I sunk into a deep pit of self-loathing, anger and self-pity.

I stopped praying, as my prayers had had no effect whatsoever. It was then that I descended into a very dark mood. The visceral surfaced, and it took me into a world I never thought I would enter. It was then that I began to rent every horror movie I could get my hands on. Hostel, the Hills have eyes, The Ring, just to name a few. I identified with the torment of the characters in these films. I regressed back into my scarred and broken flesh, that part of my soul where anger and rage lived, where my cutting was born, lived, and dominated.

My wounds begin to scratch from the inside the bitterness crawled into my heart again. The bitterness made me not care about my relationship with Jesus. I convinced myself that He turned His back on me when my prayer for Scott was not answered.

I was already 42 years old, the pain inside was so intense, that I watched things that were painful to watch. The more visceral, the more the internal part of me seemed to identify with it.

The devil convinced me that I couldn’t trust God. “See, God doesn’t understand you.” “He doesn’t care about you.”

I listened to the dark voices in my heart instead of the Holy Spirit.

“I thought you understood Lord, and clearly You don’t.” “I can’t pray anymore. It is too painful when you don’t understand or meet my needs.” So I tried to shut out the Holy Spirit.

I was left numb the humiliation I had born at the hands of Scott was too much for me too bear. Instead of being angry at Scott, I was angry at the Lord. Scott was a jackass this was typical of his behavior. “But Lord You?” What I didn’t realize then was that the Lord was protecting me from Scott who was verbally abusive.

I didn’t want to surrender to the will of God. For two years I demanded my own way. I wasn’t listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I was self-centered without realizing it. Instead of focusing on Jesus, I was focusing on my sick desire to marry Scott.

In those two years, I lost touch with what God was saying to me. But I was crushed like a bug on the inside, and dying isn’t pretty or easy. The Lord was teaching me something, and I refused to listen. Instead I was listening to every lying spirit, people on TBN, and of course the devil who always tried to whisper his dirty lies into my ear.

For months after my therapy with Scott, I was sullen, wanted to cut myself, instead I watched other people get mutilated.

I was still mutilating myself through the horror movies. I needed God to heal me. He would have to excise deeper parts of me that were rotten, and I resented it. I was screaming on the inside. I could sense the Holy Spirit, and I pretended not to.

One night I was sitting on the table alone, and I shouted, “Lord, what do you want?” “I can’t do this.”

But God knew that He was sufficient, and that I would be able to walk through this desert. He was faithful He didn’t abandon me, even though I was unfaithful and abandoned Him.

My flesh incited me to such deep self-pity. My Father didn’t want me to feel sorry for myself. The horror films was me feeling sorry for myself. The hurt I still suffered in my heart justified watching torment on film. My soul was bleeding, even though my skin wasn’t. God told me, it was the same thing.

The longer I tried to evade God the more I suffered. It wasn’t until I began to surrender my own will with tears on the carpet that I could feel God begin to speak to me. When I wanted to hear Him, when I let go of the anger, frustration, bitterness, and self-pity God began to move, and heal the shattered pieces of my soul.

It was only then when I began to phase out of the horror genre, because that is not who I am In-Christ. Because I am a redeemed child saved by the Blood of Jesus I was able to overcome all of the negative emotions inside of me.

My God and Father wanted more for me than I wanted for myself. I wanted to stay in that corrupt relationship that severed me.

As the months continued, God began to heal me my fragmented self-worth, by making me realize that my worth is not in myself, but in Jesus Christ.