Momma’s retirement/2010

(My momma getting her coffee from McDonalds in the morning.)

Momma retired on September 29, 2010 from the IRS. That is when we became really close of course we had been becoming close since she became a Christian. It took years. The first time I gave momma a bible in 2000 she said, “Why did you give me this?” and put it on the sofa chair. This is the same bible she still uses. I don’t remember when momma really became a Christian, it was a process she just began changing. She wasn’t the way she used to be.

When momma had Mia in 1985 it was expected that I would take care of the baby so momma could continue to go out with Roger, the man who is her husband now. He wasn’t her husband then.

I think it must have begun when momma married Roger in 2003, she couldn’t continue having a relationship with him she felt guilt that’s why she got married. She brought Roger to live in our skinny apartment with only two bedrooms. Mia and I and Emma had to sleep in one room, while momma and Roger slept in the other. This was messy, he was an alcoholic, and I was tired of alcoholics.

Roger came to disrupt our lives he was born in Mexico in the state of Chihuahua, and was 6 years younger than momma. It’s not that I didn’t accept them together I knew momma and daddy were never getting back together, but he acted just as bad. He didn’t beat momma, but he cussed at her, she was still in a volatile relationship, only she didn’t want to believe it.

Mia was 18 and had just graduated from high school, she was “5,6” inches tall. She was like my girl, she was under my skin, and I took her everywhere with me when she was a child to 7-11 in the mornings to get my Double Big Gulp soda on Saturdays when she wasn’t in school.

It was an adjustment when momma retired. But I didn’t have to take the bus anymore. Momma grew more generous and loaned me her car to run my errands, or she would take me.

When momma first retired we used to go to K-mart all the time to buy bags of popcorn. They sold popcorn since the 70’s and momma used to buy us popcorn even then. We still remember and laugh about the old lady in the old K-mart who told momma “I can’t give you what you want.” when momma asked her not to give her so many kernels.

The first few years of momma’s retirement we were inseparable. We would go everywhere together, Target, and the grocery store. Momma was always so thoughtful buying us food, she always said “Matita put something in the basket” or she would just pay for the little bit of groceries I would buy. She would just debit with her card, when I tried to pay.

Momma really loves Jesus. She studies her bible every single day, in the morning usually. I remember the first time I gave her a bible she didn’t want it. She devastated me, but I continued to pray for momma’s Salvation. God heard and answered my prayers for her.

When Emma was in Charter School momma used to wait with me at the food court in the Manchester Mall, only to have Emma rush in highly agitated, that she screamed at the teacher, and wasn’t going back she was going home. Momma would drive Emma to school once a week and we’d study our bibles or just talk. Emma would sometimes walk on foot down the street, and momma would have to follow her in the car, while I sat in the passenger’s seat with anxiety. She’d walk a few blocks then would get in the car her face flushed with sweat.

In 2014, Misi gave me her town and country silver van. Momma arranged a trip with the girls to go and pick up the van. Momma and my three sisters and two of my nieces had a road trip from Arkansas to Fresno. They stopped by Carlsbad Caverns.

I usually missed things, because Emma couldn’t travel. Momma had us four girls chip in $200 each for gas, including myself. I wish I could have been there Moe said Misi and Mia were fighting they are so much alike, the two babies. Momma was uncomfortable when my nieces Tiffini and Amanda would drive the van. Momma never drove but rode shot gun all the way from Arkansas.

God moved Misi’s heart to give me the van, and momma’s heart to pick it up. I never even prayed for a car, the Lord was and is extremely gracious.

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Momma used to be more voluptuous, she got extremely skinny. She had a kidney infection when daddy was still alive. She was hospitalized for that.

Her doctor found out momma has fluid in her head from being beaten by daddy. But momma doesn’t want a shunt. She always contends she will go at 72 like grandma.

I tell her, “You’ll die when God takes you.” I call her affectionately “Viejita.” In Spanish “old lady.”

Sometimes momma stops talking her doctor thinks it is because of the fluid. But momma has stopped talking sometimes for days. She just can’t talk, she tries to make utterances, but to no avail. This has happened to momma more than a handful of times. Her doctor thinks it is stress.

Boi and Jimmy don’t talk to momma a lot. I’ve discussed this with them, but neither one of them thinks they are doing anything wrong. In the past I have argued with both of them over their lack of regard and feeling for momma. I believe both boys resent momma and resented daddy. It hurts momma, but it is the boys I feel sorry for, when momma passes away they are going to feel extremely guilty. The boys are good men, good husbands and fathers, but they are not good sons, after the sacrifice momma made for them, and for all of us.

After the divorce, momma struggled to get a car. Daddy had his Supra, and momma would wait for the city bus. Momma was not yet 40 when she got divorced.

She had to re-build her life, from an 18 year old bride, who wasn’t trained for the workforce. The worst thing about divorce for women is that they sacrificed to raise their children and in some cases their husbands too.

But a woman suffers differently from a man when a divorce is final. Momma was still beautiful, but she was crushed. She didn’t have a lot of relationships. Momma loved a man named Auggie following her divorce from daddy, but she didn’t stay with him. We later found out he wanted momma to leave us, and run off with him. She didn’t, she couldn’t. Then momma met Arthur, Mia’s daddy a Vietnam veteran. Momma shouldn’t have married him, she was an alcoholic. Arthur had four children from his first wife, the twins Arthur Jr. and Angela, Alicia and Anthony.

Momma met Roger in 1987, this was the man she fell in love with he was an alcoholic too. He was a man from Mexico, a national, who had his green card. He spoke English with a broken accent; a Mexican accent. They went to the dances and to Avocado Lake on Sundays. I resented Roger, taking momma away. She would bring him on the weekends to the apartment. They would lock the door in her bedroom. I was not ignorant to what was going on, but momma was an adult. She always used to tell me and Moe, “When you are 40 you can do what you want.”

Momma and I didn’t used to get along. In fact, I resented her, and hated her at times. I couldn’t wait to leave, every relationship I had was hope. The harder I tried to leave, the more I was stuck in a relationship with momma and Mia. I soon begin to discover this is where I belonged. This is where God wanted me.

It devastated me that I was the one who stayed. Each of my siblings moved on to marriages. Jimmy was the first to marry in 1987 after he joined the Air Force he married Irene his high school sweetheart. Moe married Michael in 1994 when she became pregnant with Tony. Misi joined the Air Force in 1989 and married Chris in 1994.

Boi was more complicated. Momma kicked Boi out of the house when he was 19 years old. Boi didn’t want momma to go out, and would stand in front of her. So momma called the police and had him removed. Boi went to go live with our grandparents in Sanger. Boi always said that was for the best. Boi met Marianne and began to live with her in 1998, five years later they married. Boi had girlfriends before, Nancy and Christine. He was engaged once to Elizabeth a woman from Austria.

Momma didn’t have to kick Misi out she volunteered to leave, and moved in with a couple of roommates. Momma said she couldn’t come in at 1:00 in the morning every night.

Momma’s relationship with all of her children was complicated. Momma kicked Moe out of the house too, because of her drinking. It made me angry. Moe lived in her car for a week, until she went to live with daddy in Selma. It broke my heart Moe used to hitch-hike a lot after her car broke down. I resented momma for not being kinder to Moe.

For years we had many points of contention. Momma never thought I could take care of myself, told me every man I dated or loved was using me. She made me feel worthless. I know she didn’t mean to. Daddy had crept into her at some point. Abusers can creep into our souls if we are not careful, without Jesus this is a very real possibility. So we suffered. But I always loved momma.

I wasn’t perfect either, I called momma “stupid” when we were waiting for her, and she was waiting in the wrong restaurant. I shouldn’t have called her “stupid”, but sin is never far from any of us. . After that curse left my tongue I could see how I crushed her spirit, the way daddy had.

We began to beat each other with our tongues. Momma never allowed us to hit each other as children. “Whoever picks up their hoof first is going to get spanked.” Momma would not tolerate violence in her house from us, but we were violent with our words.

But the Lord kept me at momma’s side. I had to honor momma even when she was scolding me and my tongue was scratching the roof of my mouth to answer her back. I learned I honored God by honoring my momma.

Instead of let me run away, there were obstacles, and I had to learn to submit to my momma as I submitted to her I submitted to the Lord. And I resented the hell out of what God wanted for a long time.

I would wear the 5th commandment as a badge, “Honor thy Father and Mother.” This was God’s will.

Until honoring momma became a joy.

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The boys have since bought mom a car. She doesn't drive anymore. She let me have it.

“Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh.

For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully.

For what credit is it if you are beaten for your own faults you take it patiently, but when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently this is commendable before God.”

“For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example that you should follow His steps:”

(1 Peter 2:19-21)

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