Make Me to know my end/2017

(Our family 2017. Left to right Boi, Jimmy, me, momma, Moe, Misi, and Mia.)

Lately I pray that Emma love our Lord Jesus Christ with her whole being. If God wills for he to get married she will. If she doesn't I know it isn't the end of the world.

Though it’s been over 40 years I can still close my eyes and hear Dorothy Moore’s “Misty Blue” playing softly over the radio late at night on the L.A. freeway. Jimmy lay asleep on my shoulder as daddy drove us home to the school room in La Habra.

I turned 52 years old. Life has taken a lot of twists and unexpected turns. But this was always apart of God’s plan for me, not that He made these decisions for me, I chose sin at times, even when I chose poorly, and executed extremely poor judgment, God has worked it out for good. God never abandoned me even when relationships in my life ended.

God had mercy on the girl who wrote so many years ago, “Lord, smile down upon me approve of what I do.” He answered my prayer. I wasn’t anybody, but He listens. I am proof that He reaches out to the wretched and the lonely. This has been a remembrance of what God the Father has done in my life, how He rescued me from the clutches of demons and men, as well as from myself.

When I kept my eyes fixed on Jesus, I didn’t suffer the poverty of love and hope. I had the peace that surpassed all human understanding. The boulder of loneliness that I was crushed under was lifted.

I have danced on clouds, have traveled with the Holy Spirit through the oceans of the world, and have been privileged to feel the gracious touch of Jesus, the Holy Spirit washed over me, love exuded through every pore. My heart was overflowing with love, it is a real and true experience, as I had experienced the vile touch of demons I have also experienced the gracious and overwhelming beauty of the Lord’s touch.

Worshiping my Lord and Savior Jesus is the rest God wanted me to enter into. The rest of trusting that the God of Everything created, the Ageless and Eternal God loves me.

My daughter Emma is an over comer by the precious Blood of Jesus, a believer in Jesus Christ, despite the fact that she has suffered from bipolar disorder since she was a child. God is and has always been her Father. Her favorite book in the Bible is The Book of Revelation.

She spoke in tongues today when she was praying in her room, at first I thought she was calling to me from her room, but when I opened the door I saw her lying on the floor praying in tongues.

When she came out of her room, she told me she had the most incredible experience when I asked her to describe it to me she simply said,

“It was indescribable.”

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Years ago Gabe, Emma’s therapist used to say about us, we were “enmeshed”. We are, but a mother’s life is supposed to be enmeshed to her child to a certain extent anyway

Sometimes she depends on me so much, more than she should. When she feels fragile I have to lay down with her at night until she goes to sleep, I have to tuck her in at night, she uncovers herself and I have to cover her back up as if she was a much younger child.

At times it is disheartening to me that nothing turned out as it was supposed to. My nieces and nephews her age are all living their lives, going out on dates, have relationships, going to college, but Emma doesn’t want to do any of those things, she stays home, rarely goes out of the apartment, she finds her sanctuary in Jesus, and me to a lesser extent. My prayer is that she will totally depend on Jesus instead of me.

I am praying that she is someone’s rib, the man God created for her to enter into a marriage covenant when she is ready in the Lord’s timing.

Lately I pray that Emma love our Lord Jesus Christ with her whole being. If God wills for her to get married she will. If she doesn't I know it isn't the end of the world.

She has good days and she has bad days, on her good days she writes like I do. The Lord has blessed Emma with a beautiful singing voice with which she fills the house with song. The Lord has blessed her with incredible beauty, like the women in the bible. The Lord is healing her and transforming her daily, she is becoming incredibly beautiful on the inside too.

She reads articles every day on the inter-net, and watches videos on you tube about string theory. She is very intellectual, and like a sponge soaks up everything from biology, history, theology and physics. She recently took an I.Q. test and scored 146. I took the same test and scored 115.

We sit on the sofa and watch her favorite movie, “San Andreas”. This is a blessing sitting on the sofa with her, enjoying a movie when so many are suffering.

Gary doesn’t call Emma anymore in the beginning he called her a few times a week that was last October, but he was never really her daddy, just someone who fathered her one night with me.

Nor did he ever apologize to me for not being there for Emma or me when I was pregnant. We have to forgive in our hearts by the grace of Jesus because not everyone asks for forgiveness.

Emma takes her bipolar medication daily. She hasn’t hit me in years. She will be 24 in the winter, the days pass so quickly.

David was right when he wrote,

“Lord, make me to know my end, And what is the measure of my days, That I may know how frail I am. Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my age is as nothing before You; Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.

(Psalm 39:4-5)

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Daddy (Ray Duran Sr.) has been dead almost 4 years now the ghost of daddy lingers on inside me. I wanted to escape him for so long but only ended up following in his footsteps. Daddy became a journeyman in the end, and painted for the last years of his life, and worked on Red bubble art site until his death.

Years later, we discovered daddy had suffered from bipolar disorder. He didn’t have medication all of those years ago, as it really wasn’t treated or discussed then. It ran in his family, two of his uncles were bipolar, his nephew Jason, and his granddaughter, my daughter, Emma.

In 2013 daddy died taking a colonoscopy. The doctor made a mistake but never admitted to taking his life, it was malpractice but we were unable to sue because of the cap in the state of California. All of the attorneys we got said we didn’t have a case. But I know that daddy wasn’t sick before he went in for that test, he suffered from diabetes but had it under control, daddy also suffered from colitis for almost 30years. But he shouldn’t have died because of it.

Still the doctor was negligent, we went to Walnut Creek where he was hospitalized, and they pronounced him brain dead a few days later.

I prayed for daddy while my aunt, Tia Rosie prayed the rosary over him. I knew that wasn’t going to do anything, but I let her continue her repetitious prayer. When I touched daddy to say good-bye he was still warm, his hair didn’t feel as thick, it was softer than I had imagined.

When daddy’s casket was being pushed down the Church aisle by the undertakers, the music being played was the song “In my life” by the Beatles. Tia Rosie asked me which songs I would like played. It was a track from Rubber Soul, the album daddy used to play for me when I was 4 years old.

I never knew if daddy was saved. Before his death I used to ask God every night with my face plastered to the floor, “Please save my daddy before he dies.” I’d like to believe he was.

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I have stopped listening to the pop music of the past. I listen to nothing but worship music. I feel alive singing praises to my Lord Jesus every day. When I am driving I sing praises to the Most-High. Since I have always been very connected to music, music connects me to my God. I don’t sing very well, but I sing out loud to the Lamb of God, to Him who is worthy. It makes my faith come alive, I cannot contain the truth of who Jesus is when I am singing, exalting Him as I drive, He is with me, His presence is with me, as I drive around town doing my errands. You see, we carry our Lord Jesus with us, He is with us, HE told us,

“All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all the nations baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you, and lo, I am with you until the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:18-20)

You see I was not born to make money, to be a writer, or to be anyone’s wife, I was born to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

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Momma (Bertha Romero) will be 73 September 11. Momma and I see each other every day. Our relationship has healed, since she became a Christian. As I grew in my faith I didn’t let momma’s scolding nature bother me as much. She’s nothing like she used to be. Momma truly is a new creation in Christ. “Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation.” (2 Corinthians 5:17) She finally forgave daddy, and the Lord healed her from her drinking. We used to attend Bible Study for a few years at the People’s Church.

Momma has been married to Roger since 2003. Momma found Jesus ten years ago. The Holy Spirit has transformed her a lot. I think her faith is stronger than mine at times. She memorizes Scriptures daily and takes prayer walks.

The boys Boi and Jimmy didn’t inherit daddy’s legacy of beating their wives. This generational curse was broken by the Grace of God.

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A Poem for Momma

(For momma’s 73rd birthday)

Lord, help me not to forget who my mother is She travailed for hours and hours with me inside She is the woman who gave birth to me Even when she says things I don’t want to hear Help me to remember she has earned her place She has earned my respect simply “She is my mother” Let me not expect to get along with her all the time The fact that she is still here is miracle enough Let me not take my mother for granted Every day is a celebration, everyday she is still alive And I can hug her and tell her that “I love her”. There is no one here who loves me more, I am the child she carried for 9 months, The child who is her blood, I am more like her, than anyone else Except my daughter, she is more like Me than anyone else Let us not forget who our mothers really are Vessels of love God gave to us To honor and respect She deserves our gratitude every day we live She was strong enough to carry me and love me When it wasn’t always easy, when it was hard And our bones collided She didn’t stop loving me When I was hateful in my teen years When she should have slapped me more than she did When my mouth was on fire, when my heart thought it knew Best, When I was only fooling myself, my mother always knew When relationships would work out, which men were sincere And which men only wanted to use her precious daughter A mother knows and has an intuition, She is a lioness where her children are concerned Her soul knows my soul, and we are so much alike at times God holds up a mirror to us, Don’t forget our mothers, the bodies who carried us, bore us Travailed in labor for sometimes days Never forget that a mother is sacred and holy The one God put in charge of our discipline and our needs, The one who loves our ragged dirty little bodies, when we Had diarrhea, when we were feverish, and vomited all over her clothes She had many days, so many days, when she could have been more beautiful But her beauty is inside, our hearts and temperaments aged her, Our neglect, our arrogance that mistreats her, Never neglect what God has given, Children, remember no one has their mother forever Love her while she is still alive, while her breaths are in this day, Don’t try to love her the same way when she is gone, While the rose is here, enjoy her fragrance, Don’t wait until the flower has withered and only The thorns on the stem remain

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Ray Jr. is 53. “Boi” lives in Thousand Oakes with Marianne his wife of 15 years and his daughter Ceora who is an artist she will be 13. For many years Boi was a liberal, but really came to faith a few years ago. Boi has a Masters degree in Electrical Engineering and has fulfilled his dream of becoming an electrical engineer. He has worked as an engineer for close to 30 years. He wants to write a math book. He was always the boy who could read maps, the genius of the family. Boi was closest to daddy years after momma and daddy’s divorce was finalized.

I admire my brother Boi. He calls me every afternoon when he takes his walk. We have come full circle he was the older annoying brother who used to punch me in the hallway, the brother who was embarrassed of his sister in Junior High and High School. But I can honestly say my brother and I have the best relationship. I respect him like a father, and love him almost like a father. Now that our father is gone, I look more and more to him for the advice I used to get from our daddy.

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James is 49. “Jimmy” still lives in the Valley. He served his country in the Air Force and worked as a car salesman after the service. He works as a finance manager for a car dealership in town, still handsome, his catch phrase, “Absolutely” I think because he was a car salesman for a lot of years. He has been married to Irene for nearly 30 years now and has three children, Vanessa, 25 will marry her fiance Matthew Rodgers in the fall on November 11, 2017. Joshua, 24 is a realtor, he just sold his first house and Jacob, 18 will be a senior in high school.

Jimmy still remembers that I used to let him sleep in my bed when we were kids when he was scared. Every once in a while he will give me a $100.00 just because.

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Monica turned 48. “Moe/Mo-Mo” is the godly one. She was the first one saved by God’s grace after me. She is the “best” of us. Moe is the one who introduced me to pastors and evangelists Pastor Paul Washer, Isik Abla, Dr. Voddie Baucham, the late Pastor David Wilkerson, Pastor Francis Chan, Pastor K.P. Yohannan, and Pastor Pavel Goia. In a lot of ways Moe is a better Christian than I am. She is very vigilant about what she watches she has never seen a horror movie, and fasts. She has come a long way the Lord healed her from alcoholism.

Momma always believed she was the “special one” and she was right. Moe finds her strength in Jesus every day, and works as a special educator. She married Michael Balzer in 1994 they have three children together. Their oldest son Tony, 23 is also a believer. He has had his struggles but he keeps his eyes on Jesus.

Their daughter Amanda is also an artist and athlete. She recently ran a 26 mile marathon. I could never have done that at 20. She has a boyfriend Ryan Baur

the baby Wyatt turned 11. Wyatt is Moe’s last child. We have a special bond. I used to sing this little song to him.

“Chiquita banana is not a banana

Chiquita!”

Chiquita banana is not a banana

Chiquita!”

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Melissa is 46. Misi/Missy has come a long way from being the “cry baby”. She is an RN who lives in Arkansas she has lived in the South since 1989 since being stationed in Oklahoma at Tinker Air Force Base when she was in the Air Force. She served in Desert Storm in the early 90’s. She has since divorced Chris Jarvis, and re-married. She has two adult children Tiffini, 22 who will graduate Arkansas Tech in 2018, and Ethan who is 19 works as a welder. He lives with his girlfriend Carlie Sears I pray that the two of them will marry soon. She also has a 10 year old daughter Jessi with her second husband Terry Duncan, and two adult step children, Jennifer and Michael. After years of living in the South she has developed a bit of a Southern drawl.

I admire her courage for leaving and joining the Air Force as a teenager. Misi always had “Spunk”. We speak often I enjoy our telephone conversations immensely. She is the little sister that used to say, “Are you going to sleep?” “No, then I stay awake.” She is momma’s “trooper”. She is the “trooper” of the family.

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Mia turned 32 in October. Mia is the “tree hugger”. For the last couple of years Mia has been working in Yosemite. Mia came late to our family. I used to tell her when she was born that Scotty (the son momma always thought she was going to have) was supposed to have been born but that she jumped in front of him, and slid down the slide to earth, saying “Ba Byeeee.” Now, she is having her own baby.

Mia’s water broke the day of her baby shower. She gave birth to Aneska Nadia Kulikoff on June 27, 2017 at 9:01 am. She weighed 7lbs 4oz. “Aneskita” as I call her turned 5 months yesterday.

Now, Mia and Eric live in Fresno with their baby Aneska. Mia is a great mother to her daughter Aneska. I knew she would be.

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I’m not afraid to die. This life is only temporary, it wasn’t meant to last forever, the pages of this book attest to that. Our changing bodies attest to this truth too. We don’t have to cling to this life so desperately.

I look for my faith every morning, not always connecting with Jesus in my life, because, frankly there are days I am weak in the flesh. The flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit lusts against the flesh and the two are contrary to one another, so that you do not do what you wish. (Galatians 5:17) But I would be an ingrate if I didn’t attribute mine and Emma’s survival to God. I have lived in valleys and God has placed me on my high places. With Jesus Christ I have more than survived. I have overcome demons. He has truly delivered me from the power of darkness, and translated me into the Kingdom of the Son of His love. (Colossians 1:13)

I was never anyone’s rib. I finally allowed myself to feel The Lord’s peace about this.

Your love Lord Jesus Christ is my Strength, my rest, my hope, my joy, my peace, and my greatest reward.

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Recently my grandfather Julius Duran died last week at the age of 95. He was buried today in the Sanger Cemetery where my father’s body is resting also. I don’t remember a lot about my grandpa, my daddy’s father. I remember the timbre of his voice. I remember going over to his and grandma’s house as a little girl. I remember spending a week there one summer to take swimming lessons. I didn’t want to stay the two weeks, but my brother Boi didn’t want to stay to learn how to swim.

My grandma told me, “Not to be a baby like my brother.”

I used to go to the bathroom to cry looking towards the tiny window surrounded by white tile that was on top of the bathtub. I imagined my home.

I imagine my home now, Heaven, where Jesus dwells in all of His glory and splendor, where He is seated at the right hand of the Father.

This is what keeps me going knowing that I will be with Him one day, and dwell in His Holy Presence forever and ever without end.

I was able to get through all of the things that happened in this book like the week I stayed with my grandparents in comparison a very short time.

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