Encopresis/1998-2000

(Emma's kindergarten picture, 1999)

Emma began smearing her feces on her toys. One day I smelled something foul in the room, so I searched and I found brown stuff smeared on her toys, and on her pop up Rugrats Tent. It was feces, her feces. Emma had been diagnosed with “Encopresis” by Dr. Hamid of Valley Children’s Hospital in 1998 which meant that she soiled her underwear, from time to time so she started wearing diapers again. My hands stunk all of the time, from cleaning her underwear, and from hanging her little underwear to dry on the shower rod. Momma and Mia were irate because of the stench. I was driven further and further into myself. I had to pack her extra clothes, extra underwear, before I started buying diapers again, wherever we went.

I used to pray behind my bedroom door, whenever momma started screaming at me. “Lord, please let me get out of here, please.” Momma was a bit of a bully back then, before she found the Lord. She was cruel, and I used to pack up Emma in her stroller, and take a walk away from the apartment until momma cooled down.

Living was so hard I used to listen to sermons every day. When I would take Emma to the 7-11 in the mornings to get my Super Big Gulp Diet Pepsi, I would push her in the stroller with my head phones on listening to Charles Stanley, or Adrian Rogers, John MacArthur or David Jeremiah depending on what time I started to push the stroller. I would listen to 2 hours of sermons a day and used to take notes. This was my sanity, the only way to get through this studying the bible every day I would even sleep with my bible at night, close to my chest, or beside my head memorizing Scriptures, crying until I fell asleep in prayer, then the peace of God would fill my heart and that’s when I would have a good night’s sleep. God was good to me even though my hands smelled every day.

I used to take her to the Valley Children’s Hospital. We’d have to take two city buses.

I was working in the Welfare Department and left Emma at day care at the Wee Carre for six hours a day. Her behavior in day care left a lot to be desired, they told me she would cuss at the other children, and attempted to jump the fence on a few occasions. Mrs. Jeannie had to sit on Emma, to stop her from bolting.

Momma used to fight with me every day threatening to kick me out. “No tiene verguenza.” Implying that I had no shame still living with her. I had just gotten out of the relationship with Doug. Momma used to tell me that I wouldn’t stay with anyone that I couldn’t get a man that my personality. When I first came back to her apartment from Los Angeles, my emotions were raw and exposed everything bothered me. I finally threw the telephone across the room it smashed against the wall, and I called momma a bitch. Momma attacked me, and I finally attacked her back. Momma wasn’t a Christian back then we described her as “harsh but nice.”

I used to call daddy in tears, he used to tell me he would send me money for pizza or the movies, and say, “Don’t answer your mother back.” I couldn’t always call in those days long distance was still a lot of money. I used to buy telephone cards to talk to my sister Moe. The minutes would dwindle on the card sometimes we’d finish the two hour card in one day. It’s not the way it is now with “skyping” long distance is much cheaper now because of all of the technology.

In those days, I used to go to the Nazarene Church, my friends were John and Mary Willbanks, an older couple. When momma couldn’t give me a ride to worship services they used to pick me and Emma up or drop us home after worship services. John and Mary were poor. John was harsh, especially if Emma was screaming in his car. He used to tell her he wouldn’t bring us to Church anymore. Mary used to tell him not to fight with a sick child.

The Church was out in the country, the minister was Pastor Shelton a big boisterous Irish man with clear blue eyes. He and Emma used to get into it in the lobby. Emma would scream at him, in fact she pretty much didn’t get along with anyone. Pastor Shelton didn’t take it well, and would argue back with her.

I used to study the bible before services, then. After the Worldwide Church of God, this was the closest I was in fellowship with the brethren.

About that time I developed a crush on a man named Jerry Ore who attended the Nazarene Church. He was in his late 50’s and married, but he always wanted my input in Bible Study. There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who stares at her when he thinks she’s not looking. Jerry looked at me, remarked how I was beautiful when I called him on the telephone. It was starvation, starvation for love, and I blamed God for my loneliness. When I was at home I used to daydream about him, about how he would leave Georgie for me then guilt would assault me over the lust I allowed into my heart. Jerry and Georgie had two grown children together, a daughter who had just had a baby, and a son. He also had a daughter from his first marriage. I gave the crib my momma had bought me for Emma to Jerry for his daughter Christina. It was a white crib, momma had paid nearly $200 dollars for it, and I gave it to Jerry because I felt like I loved him. What I loved was his kindness.

It was only the Holy Spirit that kept me from really throwing myself at Jerry. I kept my clothes on because Jesus kept me strong. When I chose God’s love, Jesus’ embrace was enough.

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty

I will say of the Lord; He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God in Him I will trust.”

(Psalm 91:1-2)

“A Father of the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in His holy habitation. (Psalm 68:5)