The man who fathered my miracle/1993

My daughter Emma came to be by accident, a miracle. It was a sheer miracle, because nothing good ever happened to me. Gary King was the man who fathered her. I met him at Church when I was 27. It was a new Church I started attending. I was excited about my new Church, the Worldwide Church of God.

I was petite and slender in those days. I hadn’t been plagued by white hair yet. Church was on Saturdays, instead of Sundays, because the Church held to the traditional Sabbath.

Gary was 36. He wasn’t much to look at, he wasn’t tall, nor did he possess muscles or a square jaw. In fact, it was very much the opposite. He was short, with red hair that was already turning gray. He was a bit husky. But, what I really liked was his mustache. He wasn’t handsome, but he looked at me. I think that’s why I liked him because he noticed me, and he wasn’t married.

Gary used to look at me during worship services. I could feel his eyes, like a laser. The first few Saturdays, he would stand with the other men in front of the building who stood around me until my momma came to pick me up. I pretended to enjoy their company.

One Saturday, he asked for my phone number. I don’t know why I was delighted to give it to him, perhaps, it was the breakup of my almost fiancé Doug Sherfy.

A few weeks passed and he didn’t call me. I was resolved to ignore him. It did hurt, as I did like him. The following week he followed me into the parking lot. My friend Tracy was going to give me a ride home.

“Please, can I have your phone number again, I lost it.” He asked almost begging.

“Well, I can see how important it was to you. “ That was my no. Then I turned to look away from him. If I had left it like that and gone with my instinct, I would not have my Emma.

Against my better judgment I gave Gary my phone number again, and we went out the following weekend after church. I learned he was a struggling substitute teacher, who also worked as a delivery driver for Dominoes Pizza. I told him I had just gotten baptized two months ago.

He said, “I wish I would have known I would have come”

The first movie he took me to see was Aladdin. It was such a magical movie. I stupidly began to imagine such an ending for me. However it was already starting badly, Gary was habitually late, and would blame me for being upset.

“You know you don’t have to come, just call and say I’m not coming.” “But don’t make me wait.” I would say angrily.

Every time he was late, he would find a way to make it my fault. We were always bickering in each other’s company. He would come to pick me up in a beat up old truck that was rusted in places and could barely run.

The relationship was moving too fast. I had just gotten baptized in the faith, and I didn’t want to fornicate. I should have ended it. I talked to the Pastor, and asked him what I should do. I should have prayed and asked Jesus. The minister, Pastor MacColm wanted details, which should have told me he was a dirty old man. He told me to stay away from Gary.

After our last date he left me at home around midnight, I started to walk to the 7-11 half a mile away. I just walked as if I was a vampire or some night creature without fear. That’s what I used to do, take walks at night secretly hoping someone would kill me. When I got to the 7-11, I stayed there until morning waiting for the sun to come out. I was too afraid to walk back so I stayed talking to the clerk all night.

After a few months, the romance cooled. I still wanted to see him, but he said we should not see each other for a few months. At the time, I didn’t understand it to mean that the relationship was over. So I prayed that Gary would want to see me. I had missed him so much that I had my sister Moe, drive me to where he worked, even though she was an alcoholic and was intoxicated. That’s how desperate I was to see him. Looking back I know I seduced him. I remember what I wore, a tight black dress that clung to my slender yet curvaceous body. I went into the restaurant and he was helping another man clean up. Then he smiled when he saw me, and gave me the keys to his truck.

“Wait for me”, he said.

Afterwards, Gary took me to a vacant parking lot and I was “with him,” my euphemism for sex, in the front seat of his pick-up truck. Of course, he didn’t call after that, as it had been over. I hadn’t seen him in weeks.

One Saturday, I couldn’t get out of bed, I was cramping so bad, that I just lay in bed. The Midol pills I had taken didn’t help. The cramping was worse than unusual it completely immobilized me.

Weeks passed, and I hadn’t started my period. I confided in my sister Moe, as I confided everything to her in those days. We were best friends, as well as sisters, even though she was 4 years younger than me. Since Moe was the one who was working, she bought me the pregnancy test. After I peed on the stick waiting was sheer torture. I had no job. I lived with my mother. If there was a baby it belonged to a man who didn’t want me. I had planned to go back to college in the Fall. Eventually, a plus materialized on the stick. It was Emma. I wept, out of joy or anguish I didn’t know. My sister hugged me, and I wanted to remain in that hug as long as I could. I was left with the sheer horror of having to tell momma, but worse having to tell Gary. I needed to be very sure. So Moe drove me to the Planned Parenthood, I heard that they gave pregnancy tests for $10.00. The lady there took some blood from me. I sat alone on the plastic chair in a room that felt sterilized. Moe wasn’t able to go with me she had to go to work. I thought about how I wanted to be pregnant. But it was something good, a blessing and nothing good ever happened to me. She would tell me it was a false pregnancy. If it were false I should be glad, I wasn’t married. No, it was better if I wasn’t. But I wanted to be a mother.

The lady came back with a piece of paper, and sat down. She pushed the glasses back up against her nose as she gave me the the results of my blood test.

“You’re pregnant.” “About 8 weeks”. In the same nasty breath she asked me if I wanted to have an abortion.

“No.” The terrible words stabbed at my heart. “Thank-you.” I got up and fled for the door. It was a terrible thing to ask. Even though I didn’t know how I was going to manage it all. I knew this was a good thing. I wanted my baby, even if Gary didn’t want me. I knew he didn’t love me. I always thought if I had a baby I would be married. I knew he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him, and I wasn’t going to make a scene.

Later that night, I called Andrew, Gary’s brother’s apartment. He had been living with him. It was Andrew who would tell me that he wasn’t there, even though I could hear Gary say to him “Tell her I’m not here.”

“Could you ask your brother to meet me in the Save Mart near his work I have to tell him something, please.”

He was quiet for a moment. Then said he would.

It was around midnight when Moe drove me to the Save-Mart. She was my best friend in the whole world. The automatic doors opened as I stepped through them. I knew Gary wasn’t going to ask me to marry him when I told him. I hoped he would at least, be Emma’s father. Emma is what I began to call her, even though I had no way of knowing the sex of the baby. I walked over to the magazine section, and picked up a magazine, to take my mind off the obvious fact that he didn’t care. The ending wasn’t going to be like the movies. He walked towards me in the wine-colored Dominoes t-shirt and cap, his khakis white. “Hi”. I think he knew what I was going to say. What else did I have to tell him? He picked up a magazine, while I put my down. We were never in synch, or compatible.

“I’m pregnant.”

It was a funeral. The mood, I mean. He looked miserable. Like the song “Cinderella”. He could have been a little kinder? Then he accused me of fooling him.

“You are nothing like you were in Church.” he said in a cruel tone.

I was pretending to enjoy the company of the men outside of the church.

“I’m not getting an abortion.” I interjected. This was the one thing I was certain if God took her from me and I miscarried her that was another thing. But I was keeping her.

"I wasn’t going to tell you to." Gary said. “I thought you told me you couldn’t get pregnant.”

I had never said that. But I could tell he was angry. We stood awkwardly for what seemed like an eternity.

“I’ll take you home,” Gary finally said.

“No, my sister is waiting for me.” I started to walk away when he said something that surprised me.

“I’ll call you.”

We continued seeing each other for a few more weeks, but it seemed more like a chore on his part. We mostly sat around his brother’s apartment.

“I’m going to name her Emma, if she’s a girl.” I declared.

“Emma’s an old lady’s name.” he complained.

“I don’t care.” I was going to name her Emma after the character in “Terms of Endearment.” For years I had disliked the name Emma, but after that movie, in light of the present situation, it was the appropriate name for her. I knew it would be just Emma and me. I also told Gary I would give her my last name. He weakly offered his name. But we both knew he wasn’t going to be around. I wanted her to share my name, and not have to have our names be different when she went to school.

__________________________

I waited a few days before I told my momma. We were going to Vons to buy groceries, and I asked her to stop. “Momma, I have something to tell you.”

Momma and I were not that close, even though I still lived at home. She was working in the IRS full time, and still seeing Roger, her boyfriend of 6 years. Mia, my little sister, was still my responsibility, to take to school and pick up. Grandma had been dead two years now. She used to take care of Mia on the weekends, since her passing I was the one who took care of Mia. Mia was 7 now.

“What is it Matita?”

How do you say such important words, such sacred words? I hadn’t a clue. Momma pretty much knew the relationship I had with Gary was over though she had never met him. Was this what it was like to go to the noose? I struggled with the way I would tell her. Would she kick me out?

“Momma, you remember Gary?" Something fantastic was inside of me, and those were the clumsy words I chose.

“I thought you weren’t seeing him anymore.” Momma said.

“I’m not.” I was swallowing tears inside that tortured the words.

“What’s wrong?” Momma asked genuinely concerned.

“I’m pregnant momma.” I said quietly as if to swallow my words.

“Was it that man?” She answered.

I nodded.

“Matita.” I knew what she was going to say.

“No momma.”

She wasn’t as angry as I thought she was going to be. There was a sense of compassion in her voice, like she wasn’t going to throw me out. But I still had some leverage I was the one who took care of Mia.

“Did you tell him?” she asked me.

“He doesn’t want me momma, but he said he would stay until the baby is born.”

__________________________

I got pre-natal care. My obstetrician was Dr. Grooms. I faithfully kept my appointments taking two buses to his office. Momma would pick me up after work, at the 7-11 on the corner where I would wait for her on the grass sipping chocolate milk through a straw.

I was five months pregnant. By this time Gary had already stopped calling me. He didn’t even stay with me until Emma was born. After calling and never being able to reach him, I made the bold move and went to Andrew’s apartment.

“Oh hi”, he said casually when he opened the door. “Come in.” His indifferent greeting hurt both me and Emma. I knew it was coming. Still I had to hear it. I owed it to Emma.

“I haven’t heard from you.” I didn’t want to hear the answer.

“I’ve been meaning to call.” he lied.

“Of course.”

He had been thinking of a way to tell me, that’s what it was. He didn’t want to think of himself as the bad guy, dumping a woman who was carrying his baby. There was no conversation, only people needing the truth to make itself known to the situation.

“Say it, you owe it to me.” I was determined to hear the words. I don’t want you.

“I don’t owe you a thing, not a damn thing.” he arrogantly answered.

He was dumping me. He couldn’t have been a little kinder about it? This was not a kind moment. It was going to be a cruel moment, no matter how it was said. If there wasn’t going to be a ring, then it didn’t matter how long he stuck around. I knew he would break his promise he wouldn’t stay until Emma was born.

Gary finally said. “I’m seeing someone else.”

Inside I could feel the tears want to push themselves out, but I didn’t let them crawl out of my eyes. I wasn’t going to beg. He didn’t apologize, nor did he tell me he would see Emma when she was born. When you murder someone, you’re not sorry you just want to get rid of them. When he kissed my forehead, it caused me greater agony. It didn’t bring an ounce of comfort, but it brought me some closure.

“Okay.” He offered to drive me home but I said no. I walked home listening to Cryin’ by Aerosmith on my CD player. The tears were rough down my cheeks piercing them.

The weeks passed, what brought me comfort was my daughter Emma as she continued to grow inside my womb. I held on tight to her, knowing she was a gift I didn’t deserve. I wasn’t going to bother Gary anymore, I wanted my child. If I bothered him anymore, he would only push me so I could lose my baby. As much as I suffered to see him I never called him again.

The months before Emma was born I prayed every night, as my body got heavier it made no difference my face was plastered to the carpeted floor. There was no one else in those hours, just God and me. He gave me Romans 8. This chapter brought me great comfort, the months I carried Emma. I memorized it, for sheer survival whenever the anguish of being abandoned became too much.

As Emma grew bigger, I could see her arm misshapen my stomach with her movement. Mia used to like to look at her. She would touch my stomach and feel Emma move whenever we would sit on the sofa and watch her T.V. shows. Mia was the one who spent the most time with me. I continued to do the regular chores. I took Mia to school with my growing belly to school. People who saw me on the bus, thought I was further along than I was. I gained so much weight.

Mia and I used to walk to Papa Murphy’s to buy pizza for the oven. I would buy her a Hawaiian punch. Momma would go out, momma always went out. Moe didn’t live with us anymore momma had kicked her out of the house because of her drinking problem she went to live with daddy. I missed Moe terribly. After daddy kicked Moe out, she went to live with Boi who was working as an electrical engineer for the Air Force in Lancaster, when her drinking problem became too much. Jimmy had just gotten out of the Air Force and was working for a car dealership as a salesman, he had been married to Irene for 6 years already and had two children, Vanessa a daughter who was now 2, and a son, Joshua, Irene had just two months before Emma was born. Misi was serving in the Air Force in Oklahoma.

Still I continued to go to worship Jesus. Gary had stopped attending. Everyone knew I wasn’t married. I don’t know how many of them knew he was the father.

Emma was supposed to be born on December 11, 1993, but she was born December 7th. Momma made me walk to 7-11 so the baby could be born. I hobbled to the 7-11 in the black wool hat I used to wear. I used to remark how I looked like an Ewok, short and fat.

I began to have mild contractions early in the morning. Momma stayed home from work, to be with me. She bought me Burger King for lunch which I threw up. Later that afternoon we drove to where Jimmy, my younger brother worked at the car dealership to leave Mia. By the time we got to Dr. Grooms I was dying. I just sat in the lobby moaning, scaring all of the women who were pregnant for the first time. When he saw me he told momma to immediately drive me to the hospital. I couldn’t even walk by this time. I leaned against momma, and made it back to the car. When we got to the hospital, I leaned against a tree until momma got me a wheelchair.

I was in labor all that night, squeezing momma’s hand. I felt myself going in and out of consciousness, as the doctor had given me Demerol. Momma said she screamed when she had my older brother Boi. I don’t know where she found the strength. I had no strength left, it was gone. I was dying. The pain was so intense, if I had ever been stabbed in the gut before, this would be it with every contraction I was viciously stabbed. I used to think the actresses on television and movies were exaggerating the pain of labor. It was no exaggeration, it was much worse. The only repose I had was going in and out of consciousness. The nurse came in and told momma I had only dilated 3 centimeters. Only 3, I had to dilate to 10. My face was drenched from all of the sweat of the contractions. I kept drinking water and throwing it up. Until the nurse said to give me ice chips. Child birth was messy, my legs were open. I didn’t care if the nurse was male. My inhibition had left me, I was a messy puddle. My water had just broken. When I dilated a few more centimeters, the nurse told momma she could touch Emma’s hair as she was already crowning. I didn’t care. If I didn’t die, I would have been amazed I didn’t see any chance of surviving this. I didn’t even think about Gary. The nurse told me to push, but I couldn’t push, I was exhausted. I lay dead, unable to react.

“She’s tired.” The nurse said in a kind voice.

“Matita, momma said, “You have to push.” My momma’s nickname for me was Matita. It meant little plant in Spanish.

I shook my head.

By the time Dr. Grooms came in, Emma had already torn me. He gave me an episiotomy, which required 27 stitches. Momma said, Emma wriggled out of me, and had blood dripping out of her eye. Dr. Grooms let momma cut the umbilical cord. The nurse cleaned her up, and then they put her in my arms.

“That wasn’t so bad.” I said. I got to hold her a little while then they tagged her and took her to the nursery. Momma followed intently behind the nurse carrying her.

This was the best thing I had ever done in my life. God blessed me.

“Could I have a soda?” I asked.

“Of course honey", one of the ladies said.

I was taken to my room.

A few hours later, I wanted to dress Emma in an outfit for her first picture. I didn’t want them to photograph her in a white t-shirt. So, I got out of bed, and roamed down the hallway of the nursery to see if the nurses would let me dress Emma. It must have seemed silly but it was so important for me to dress her. I dressed her with her first outfit, a Mickey Mouse kimono. Pulling the kimono over her she was so tiny.

Emma was born on December 7, 1993 at 3:10 in the morning. Her full name is Emma Berta Duran, and she weighed 7 lbs. 11 oz. She was mine. The wonder of Emma being a part of me, more than anyone else, the way I was a part of momma and daddy. I saw her and I loved her. It was intense love all at once, occupying my blood, knowing I would die for her, this love was bigger than myself, too big for my heart, it was stretching and tearing out of me, my heart was growing or else I was. I would never leave her. I would raise her without a father, but it wasn’t by choice. Still I knew God would be her Father. He promised me.

The nurse came to my bed, and told me to take a shower. I was so tender down there. I didn’t want to.

“You don’t want to be dirty like her.” The lady in the other bed had just had a cesarean section.

The next morning Mia came to the hospital with momma to see Emma in the bassinet next to my bed.

Emma was a good baby. She slept with me on my bed. I didn’t breastfeed her. But I always had her bottles ready in the refrigerator.

Gary called me once when Emma was 3 months old. I had sent him a newborn picture of her. But we began to argue over the phone then he threatened to take her away from me. I hung up and that was the last time I heard from him.

I took pictures of her all of the time. Mia would carry her. I would bundle her up and take her to school in the stroller. In the mornings and then in the afternoons after school, the three of us would wait at the bus stop.

I would look at Emma at night, in wonder not believing that this beautiful baby was really mine. I had never had anything belong completely to me. Watching her sleep was a deep and intoxicating dream. Everything I had been through up until this point was worth it.

It’s been nearly 23 years Gary never saw Emma. Still, God was good to me, even though I didn’t deserve it. God forgave me for my sin. Blessed Be the name of Jesus Christ.

_________________________________________________________

Even after I had my own child, I still clung to the fantasy of being loved by daddy. God took the pain away when I surrendered to Him. When my faith waned, the knife was there the same as before.

As the years passed, I stopped kidding myself, taking care of my own daughter whose own father had left her In-utero. I prayed often to my Father in Heaven. The joy of loving Christ healed that scar Gary left.

Romans 8

“There is therefore now no condemnation to

Those who are in Christ who do not

Walk according to the flesh, but according to

The Spirit

For the law of the Spirit of the life in Christ Jesus

Has made me free from the law of sin and death.

For what the law could not do in that it was

Weak through the flesh, God did by sending

His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on

Account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh,

That the righteous requirement of the law

Might be fulfilled in us who do not walk according

To the flesh but according to the Spirit.

For those who live according to the flesh, set

Their minds on the things of the flesh, but those

Who live according to the Spirit on the things of

The Spirit.

For to be carnally minded is death, but to

Be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Because the carnal mind is enmity against

God, for it is not subject to the law of God

Nor indeed can it be.

So then, those who are in the flesh cannot

Please God.

But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit

If indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now

If anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ

He is not His,

And if Christ is in you, the body is dead

Because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of

Righteousness.

But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus

From the dead dwells in you, He who raised

Christ from the dead will also give life to your

Mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells

In you.

Therefore, brethren, we are debtors not to

The flesh, to live according to the flesh.

For if you live according to the flesh you

Will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death

The deeds of the body, you will live.

For as many as are led by the Spirit of God,

These are the sons of God.

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage

Again to fear, but you received the Spirit

Of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba Father”

The Spirit Himself bears witness with our

Spirit that we are children of God,

And if children, then heirs-heirs of God and

Joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with

Him, that we may also be glorified together.

For I consider that the suffering of this

Present time are not worthy to be compared

With the glory which shall be revealed in us

For the earnest expectation of the creation

Eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons

Of God.

For the creation was subjected to futility,

Not willingly but because of Him who

Subjected it in hope;

Because the creation itself also will be delivered

From the bondage of corruption into the

Glorious liberty of the children of God.

For we know that the whole creation groans

And labors with birth pangs together until

Now.

Not only that, but we also have the

First fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan

Within ourselves, eagerly awaiting for the adoption

The redemption of our body.

For we were saved in this hope, but hope

That is seen is not hope, for why does one still

Hope for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, we

Eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses.

For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the

Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings

Which cannot be uttered.

Now He who searches the hearts knows

What the mind of the Spirit is, because He

Makes intercession for the saints according to

The will of God.

And we know that all things work together

For good to those who love God, to those who

Are the called according to His purpose.

For whom He foreknew, He predestined

To be conformed into the image of His Son,

That He might be the firstborn among many

Brethren.

Moreover whom He predestined these

He also called, whom He called, these He also justified

And whom He justified these He also

Glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If

God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered

Him up for us all, how shall He not with

Him also freely give us all things?

Who shall bring a charge against God’s

Elect? It is God who justifies.

Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who

Died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even

At the right hand of God, who also makes

Intercession for us

Who shall separate us from the love of

Christ? Shall tribulation or distress or persecution,

Or famine, or nakedness or peril or

Sword?

As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long,

We are accounted as sheep for the

Slaughter.”

Yet in all these things we are more than

Conquerors through Him who loved us.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor

Life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers,

Nor things present, nor things to come

Nor height nor depth, nor any other created

Thing, shall be able to separate us from the love

Of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

(Romans 8:1-39)