My Jonathan, Moe

Taken around 1989. Monica "Moe" right, Me, left with dark sunglasses.

Moe was born Monica Lori Duran on July 21, 1969 a day after the moon landing. She was 8 lbs. the smallest baby momma had until Mia was born. Her position in the family was fourth born, she was one of the younger children. and was treated like Misi who was the youngest at the time.

Moe married Michael Balzer on August 27, 1994. Even though she had been out of the house for some time, getting married made it permanent. She had lived with Boi before she met Mike, then she moved back to momma’s apartment for awhile. While she was in momma’s apartment Moe suffered from alcoholism. But it wasn’t her fault, the years of momma and daddy’s marriage affected everyone differently.

It was hard letting Moe go she was my “little buddy,” my best friend, my heart. When she was in the hospital after the car accident, I had to see her every day.

“Momma, we need to go to the hospital to see Moe.” I said with urgency in my voice. Momma was drinking coffee with Mama Tana in the trailer.

Momma would take me to the hospital a little while later. It wasn’t a chore sitting with my sister. I would sit with her for hours, and we would talk about our paper dolls, school, who we liked at the time, and everything else in between. It was just a pleasure sitting with her because I loved her so much. She had fractured her skull. When the ambulance took her she woke up. Momma and Jimmy came to the hospital. I didn’t go in with her when the doctor stitched Moe. I couldn’t stand to see the doctor stitch her open gash. Jimmy said he could see her skull. I was uninjured except for a small cut on my nose. I did faint as I woke up with shattered pieces of tiny glass inside my mouth. God saved our lives, as I really thought we would die that night.

When Moe was struggling with her drinking, it destroyed me to see her suffer so. She is a testimony of God’s grace herself.

After the accident, she bought a white Hyundai with the settlement from the accident. In the day time she used to go to the bank everyday and take out $20.00 for herself and $20.00 for me.

But Moe and I didn’t go on drives anymore, the way we used to. I would go with her, so I could get off to buy her beer. When I told her it was enough, she would drive me angrily to the apartment and leave me. Addictions change people, and they hate how it changes them more than the people affected.

Moe was always petite, she was almost “5,3” and weighed about 90 lbs then, maybe 95. She never thought she was pretty, but she was. Men never treated her well either, that just speaks to how many men need to grow up, and be responsible for the precious gift that God created; the woman that God created from Adam’s rib.

Moe was an extremely talented artist. She drew all of the paper dolls, exquisitely, hers were always more handsome than mine, the women paper dolls more beautiful. We were dreamers back then, believing in our dreams, in the dreams of our paper dolls, there was a reason we did that, we were a bit shattered inside, our identities, and this was a coping mechanism for us.

She worked at Volume Services as a cashier and went to City College in the day time. Her art teacher shouldn’t have been an art teacher he would criticize her work to the point of shattering her confidence. My writing teachers didn’t do that to me. This idiot of a teacher discouraged her from taking any more art classes.

Moe was always the gracious one, quiet and subdued she wasn’t always talking like me, and didn’t lose her temper like I did.

Her drinking caused her to hurt herself by hitting herself with empty bottles, just smacking it up against her lip. She would be bruised afterwards, that was her self-injury. When she lived with Boi in Lancaster she tried to take her own life. She took a bottle of sleeping pills, while she had been drinking. Boi said he felt compelled to leave work early that day, he found Moe stretched on the bed unconscious. She was rushed to the hospital, and had her stomach pumped. She vomited the black charcoal. The depth of injury inside of her was profound, and I hadn’t realized how her agony pushed her to the brink of suicide. My heart bled for her as I couldn’t be there with her. God’s heart bled for her. Moe was so damaged, she would hitchhike with strangers. Like I used to take long walks at night, subconsciously there is the desire to “die” just die, and we lived like that back then, limping along, she suffered.

Moe met Michael Balzer at a Halloween party she had gone to with a man she had taken a ride from. Mike was a few months younger than her. When she came back to the house briefly we were sitting in the yard in back of momma’s apartment, watching Mia as she played. Moe told me she had met a man named Mike.

He probably won’t call, she told me.

“He might,” I said.

“He was really pushy, bugging me for my phone number.” She continued.

It was a beautiful day, it was especially beautiful as we sat together just talking like we used to. She reminded me of Jonathan, she was my Jonathan in the Bible. We had a deep friendship. I encouraged her and preached Christ to her, Moe still struggled with alcoholism. She became pregnant with Tony in early 1994, I already had Emma. She was working in the IRS at that time. It’s where people from Fresno worked, the IRS, this was our company, the government. We all worked there at one time or another, except for Boi and Misi.

The night Mike proposed to Moe he showed me her engagement ring. I was elated for my sister she deserved happiness, even if I didn’t have a happy ending.

Of course, she asked me to be her maid of honor. Before she married she went to live with Michael in Van Nuys in a small apartment.

We kept in touch by long distance phone calls and letters. I encouraged her and preached Christ to her.

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Dearest Mo-Mo: August 13, 1993

It was so good to hear from you. I miss you every day, and I’m always thinking about you. Even though I have mom and Mia, I’m still lonely for you. But, whenever I get too overwhelmed I pray, and sometimes I feel I am in the presence of God and His Son Jesus Christ. It’s not something I always feel in prayer, but when I do it is a most tremendous feeling. It’s a closeness I have not felt with people. He knows my intimacy completely. He is my mentor, my intimate friend, my confidant, my master, my peace and comforter. Without Him I know I would have perished. God points out my weaknesses and transgressions without hating me for them. I know He’ll give you the same comfort if you just bare your soul to Him, don’t hold anything back. Tell God, you still feel sad, tell Him all of the things you’ve done wrong. All He wants is for us to change so we can be happy. He foresees a better life for us, one of joy, free of pain and tears. We’ve always cried haven’t we? About men, about work, about everything? I know God is calling you. He wants you to be a part of His kingdom too. But, we must suffer for sin. Sin itself brings on most of the suffering. God must discipline us for breaking His commandments so He can build our spiritual character. God loves us more than we can know. I’m always praying for you, and I’m always missing you. (Deut. 11:22, 26, also chapter 11 of that book, Deut. 12:28, 13:4 Hebrews 12:6, 7-13) Those chapters talk about the consequences of breaking God’s laws, and how God will discipline us if we do. If other people get away with fornication, it’s only because God is not calling them. But sin is still sin. God has called us to be holy, the way He is Holy. We are called to be patterned after Jesus Christ. (Romans 8:29) As Paul writes (Romans 8:18) that the sufferings are only temporary. God is cleansing our souls. So, let us try to endure, endurance builds character. Do not be grieved Mo-Mo, I’m always here for you, so is momma and Mia. They miss you a lot, too. We will never give up on you or leave you, we’ll always love you no matter what. God will never leave you, neither will Christ forsake your soul. I believe in you. Remember, with faith all things are possible. (Matthew 17:20) Also, try not to drink, every time you drink it is a victory for Satan. Satan and his demons want to destroy you in order to disqualify you. Do not give into temptation, they are subtle creatures, and can hurt you if you allow them too. Don’t let them win it’s too important to God, to Christ, to your family, and to the world, as well as to the other saints. And of course, the angels are always rooting for you.

As for the family, we are all fine. Emma hasn’t kicked much in the last few days, but when she does she doesn’t stop. I find great comfort in her movements, in her life. I feel blessed, even though I am not married. It’s still a tremendous gift, my baby. She makes me very happy. Mia is almost over her chicken pox. Ma said we all had them. Fortunately, Mia didn’t get too sick from them. Jim and Irene came and dropped Mia off some balloons that said, “Get well soon.” Irene is almost 7 1/2 months. I’m about 6 months. I weigh 146 lbs. I’ve gotten really big, all over really but the weight, doesn’t bother me much, not as much as the people who I love who are gone. Even though I miss Gary, I know that this is the only way it could have been. I was too bitter at the time. Don’t get me wrong I still pray for Gary’s return. It’s too bad he hasn’t felt the baby move. I also realize that all of this must be in God’s own time for anything to work between me and Gary.

Aside from this, things continue. Momma is tired from her work. I don’t know about her doctor, I’ll have to ask her. I’m sorry we can’t go to Lancaster, but ma says I should have the baby over here in December. We’ll probably stay over there in a few weeks. Don’t tell Boi, momma just wants it to be a spontaneous trip. Oh, Ron has called a couple of times. Shall I tell him you are in Lancaster and give him your number? Misi has written she’ll be home at the end of the month.

Say “hi” to Boi, and to Nancy. We’re all fine, so don’t worry about us. Take care of yourself, continuing reading the bible, and always pray. I love you a lot. Mo, and I always miss you.

Yours, Matty

P.S.- I saw the movie “Far and Away” with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I liked it too. Also you are not a selfish person. (From your letter.) You’ve given me so much your rare friendship and your love. Never forget that.

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Dearest Little One: August 24, 1993

(After Moe tried to take her own life.)

Dearest Little One:

Don’t you know that I cannot live without you? I have felt the way you feel, and at times still do. Why do you think I have so many scars from cuts on my arms and shoulders? It is overwhelming despair and a deep desire to die. But I knew I couldn’t. Why didn’t you read my journals?

Sometimes, I still don’t feel much better. But how can I take a life, now, two lives that I did not create? For some reason God wants you to live out the misery. And live it, you must and you will. Right now, Satan and his demons are laughing at you. But, remember they do not have the upper-hand you do. You’ll be peering over the Lake of fire, along with the other saints, witnessing a prophecy being fulfilled. And they know it.

Right now life seems like such a horror. Not worth the trouble. I know I’ve been there, and sometimes still feel myself there. It is “a loneliness,” an extreme isolation that eats your soul alive. Worse, nobody palpable can help you. It is a spiritual deviation, a spiritual problem. You feel yourself being lost to darkness. There is no hope in the abyss that now holds you prisoner. But, know, Mo, I’ve been here. I’ve been to the center of the soul to the bottom of it, and it is the worst journey. It’s hard to escape what you are, and what you know you lack. The emptiness just sucks you down into it. But, believe me God is there with you. Or, else you would not have survived. You did survive and that’s what you have to remember. You are a survivor, and your survival will help someone else, maybe, millions of others. You have made that journey for a reason, accept it, and grow from it. It is something God believed you were able to do. You are a stronger soul than you let yourself believe.

Remember, that I love you with all of my soul. You are my best friend the intimate things of our lives have bound us so tightly together. Never forget that.

Love, Matty and Emma

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Dear Mo

If I pray real hard, I know I won’t miss you so much. You’ve become so much a part of me over the years it’s hard to let go of you. I didn’t want you to go back at all….,ever. I wanted you and the baby Tony to stay right here with me and Emma. I don’t think there could ever be a better friend that you in the whole wide world, ever. That’s why I want you to take care of yourself. I need you and love you tremendously, don’t ever doubt that. Don’t forget, that I am right here, loving you and I will never stop no matter how low you might think that you sink. I will never abandon you, I will never leave you. Even, if I die someday, I will take your last memories with me. Someday soon we will be together again. I have this tremendous love for you, so someday soon we must be together again.

Love always your sister, Matty

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Dear Mo: December 30, 1994

It’s almost New Year’s Eve. As usual I don’t have anyone to go out with. I guess I’m kind of depressed since I’m going to be 30. In one of the pictures taken in November, I look really old. I look 30 already when only months before I looked 25. It’s the beginning of the end. I look horrible, what’s worse I feel horrible. I don’t feel like going to Sabbath services tomorrow. I feel as if I don’t belong with them. My best friends are not in the Church, you being my very best friend, momma, Irene, even Brouwer. I’ve already written him two letters which I haven’t sent. It’s so easy to write to him. He’s my very best male friend, even though I haven’t seen him in nearly two years. He’s never really left me he’s always been with me, just suppressed. I know I can never be with him. I wrote him that I wanted to get back together with Gary that way he won’t get the wrong idea. Even though, I still care a lot about him again. I just hope that he is happy and well. That is the most I can hope for where he is concerned.

It’s because of such things that I feel alone, without people my age or an adult perspective. It would be nice not to have an adult scream at me whenever I did something wrong. I love ma, a lot, but she still yells at me.

Next year, already feels emotionally empty and lonely. I’ve waited for someone so long. It was a little over 5 years ago that I broke up with Valencia. (Or rather he dumped me.) Were we even going together? Doug left me over 2 years ago. Gary left 1 ½ years ago. Brouwer on and off it’s been a little over 5 years since I first met the man. Most people probably think I’m being ridiculous, but if they felt the wilderness I have felt they would know and they would not say anything. They don’t have the right to say anything.

I’m staying away from Brouwer physically because it’s the right thing to do. I’ve forgotten about Bill because I was becoming obsessed, and Capo because he is married. Sometimes, I wonder if it is right or fair. Is God asking me to be alone? Is this the cross He chose for me? It sure feels like it. Its heavy, it presses heavily on my heart and it is agonizing. What do I do but try to lift up this stake?

Every day I find it more difficult to even write a letter. Emma always wants to be on my hip or lap.

Last night I woke up at 5:00 a.m. just to be alone, that and the fact that the picture depressed me. Let’s face it my best years are behind me. Now, I’m just getting old, and there is nothing I can do about it. You’ll see when you’re around 29 it’ll happen to you too.

One day, you just wake up and you’re old. Your youth gone, completely obliterated. You’ll look like your old pictures, yet you won’t. It wouldn’t be so bad if I already had somebody who loved me. But, I have to attract someone all over again. I give up.

Anyway, I’m just feeling a little depressed. I hope I didn’t drag you down. The years go by so quickly. Before I know it, it’ll be the 21st century. By the way, Happy New Year!

Love your sister, Matty

P.S.-Give Tony a big hug for me.

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Dear Moe: January 8, 1995

All I have is you. When I got off the phone with you, momma gets mad because I still like Bill. She told me it didn’t matter if the other woman is older if he likes her. I said I’m not sure if he likes her. She doesn’t let me have any kind of feelings. She doesn’t think anyone will ever like me. She applauds Boi and understands Boi. But me, she can’t let me have any feelings. And I’m not going out or doing anything wrong, by just looking she said because I have this baby. She told me she won’t take care of Emma. Whenever she gets mad that’s what she says. We got in a big fight. I told her fine maybe he doesn’t want me but somebody someday will and you won’t be able to handle that after I always stay with Mia. She says Mia is not hard to take care of like a baby. I said, “I took care of Mia when she was a baby.” She said, “You wanted to and I don’t want to.” She can go out whenever she wants just to have fun and doesn’t even ask or worry about Mia. She is so unfair. Even if I got asked, if she didn’t like who asked me she wouldn’t stay with Emma. I only went out with Gary before because I didn’t have any children. What could she do? Now, she’ll just refuse to watch Emma and what will I do? I’m so helpless. If mom doesn’t feel generous or compassion there is nothing I can do. Momma wants me to apologize for my feelings. She always wants me to apologize for feeling anything she doesn’t like. She on the other hand can act anyway she feels like it. I’m going to be 30, pay $200.00 in rent a month, buy $100.00 of food a month, and take care of Mia. And she treats me like I don’t contribute anything and like I’m 15 years old. She’s so unfair. She wonders why I don’t tell her anything about my life. Then she makes me feel like I’m “too weird” for anyone to really care about. That everyone would prefer her to me, or, anyone else for that matter. Just because it has gone that way, she wants me to believe it will always be that way. If anyone ever asks me out she will say they just want to use me then dump me. She’ll always be negative where I am concerned. Sometimes, she makes me believe it too.

I don’t have any kind of peace. I have no time to sit and write anything. Emma is always crying and momma makes me feel like the ugliest thing alive. There is nothing I can do anymore. I can’t get a decent job because I have no skills, can’t get trained because I have no money to get trained, can’t get a loan because I went into default. Whenever she feels like it momma laughs at welfare recipients, when she herself was on welfare for the longest time. Now she subtly puts me down for it.

At least, if you ever leave Michael, you’ll get child support. I don’t even get that if, only, if I could see some of my writings get published, that’s all I have. Everybody thinks I’m a loser. Momma, daddy, Boi, the Church, Gary, Bill, Brouwer, Misi….Jimmy and Irene, and Mia, all patronize me, just because I don’t have any money, because all of their personalities “suck” as well. But I have something they don’t have I can put language together in a special way and they can’t. Even though I am in rags, and I don’t have a boyfriend, and no dates, and no prospects, even though momma and daddy laugh at me. Even though people like Gary and Brouwer used me. I am still somebody. I have feelings too, even if nothing becomes of my feelings, and it’s all in my heart. I have my tears I am just as real as they are. No matter how much they ignore me. I won’t go away. My life won’t be over just because they don’t like me. Even if I never sell a single word, they can’t stop me from writing. For now, I am a loser, in rags, a woman only to be used and not married, a person to be ignored, a human being to laugh at. But I have the “Resurrection”, I hold on tightly to my God at night. He is mine, and He won’t ever leave me. No matter if I mess up my life, as long as I cling to Him, He won’t let go of my hand, and He won’t laugh at me. To Him, I exist, and breathe, and am real. All of my feelings are important to Him. He’s not using me now to ignore me later. He’s going to share what He has with me. I am one of the inheritors. I am one of the immortal ones. Even though no one wants me now, later, I’ll be their ruler, and I’ll have the compassion for them they couldn’t have for me now.

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Moe had a small wedding and I stood beside her. She didn’t ask daddy to walk her down the aisle. But daddy was there, and momma was there, not together, separately but they both were there to share Moe’s special day. I had chapped lips so I put the bouquet of flowers in front of my face it was from the cheap lipstick I used to buy, wet and wild that cost 99 cents.

Moe had a son she named Tony Michael later that year on November 6, 1994. Things wouldn’t be the same she would stay over, and then return to her husband in Van Nuys. In the beginning she left a lot with the baby Tony, she would just pack up and drive down to Fresno all night in the truck.

By the grace of God Moe was baptized in March of 1996. I went to her baptism, she was baptized in someone’s swimming pool the man who put her under the water was Cornelius, her pastor. He had a little mouth, me and Moe used to call him “little mouth.”

The following year she gave birth to a daughter Amanda Ann who was born on April 16, 1997. In 2006 she gave birth to her last child a son Wyatt Bodie Balzer.

The thief does not come except to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come that you may have life and that you may have it more abundantly

(John 10:10)

No weapon formed against you shall prosper

and every tongue which rises against you

You shall condemn,

This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,

And their righteousness is from Me.”

(Isaiah 54:17)

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